Too Much Love
If you've known me for sometime, and have attempted to say 3 special words to me, you'll realize that I do not feel comfortable saying them back to you - or anyone else for that matter of fact. Those words being: I love you. I felt the need to write this down despite my long hiatus because I am being overwhelmed by emotions right now because of people around me. It isn't a bad thing I guess, but it isn't exactly good either. Maybe some part of me is broken instead, but I find it so hard to accept this thing called "love". I do not mean the romantic love, but simple love like friendship love or familial love, it feels uncomfortable for me to accept it all because I feel like I can't give it back to them. Am I capable of love? Probably, yes. But I can't reach up to their expectations of expressing said emotion because I can't even say those 3 works back to them.
The reason why I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, is because everyone has been showering me with immense amounts of this love. Am I even deserving of it? I'm not very proud of who I have been the past two years or so because of the lack of satisfaction or ambition in myself, but constantly there are people just driving me on, loving me and showing my their love that I feel responsible to show them what I can do to prove their love was put in the right place. I'm going for holiday in a week, but I feel even more stressed out now than when I was working.
Things started nearing the last day of my work last week. It's known between my colleagues and I that my boss likes me a lot compared to my other colleagues. She'll get snappy when they ask her questions, but with me she could joke around or rant to me about the higher bosses. Two days before my leaving the company, she gave me 2 packets of snacks and just that made me so touched because what have I done to receive this favor from her? On my last day of work, one of my colleague bought a slice of cake to share between us as a farewell gift for me, and my boss bought my a mug. The thing is, my boss never bought any one of the other temp staffs anything during their departure, but that special treatment to me just made me feel so blessed, so loved, so much that I didn't know what to do. I basically sat there with my palms over my cheeks because I felt so paiseh/bad that my boss had given me something when I haven't. But the true reason for my feeling bad over the gift, was because of the amount of love it showed in it. I felt so loved that I didn't know what to do.
Today, I was talking to joe over Skype, and if you know, I don't handle compliments well either. Joe is someone who affirms me as a friend a lot. He constantly tells me that he appreciates me as a friend, and he would point out exactly what it is that he appreciates in me, and I just clamped up. I couldn't reply coherently because I didn't know what to say. But just like on my last day of work, I just felt so loved. Joe is someone really important to me. He is one of the few people I really call my close/best friends. I don't collect friends by the numbers and I only hold a few dear ones close to me, and joe is one of them. Even so, to hear how much he loves and appreciates me, makes my heart and brain go on overload. I never know how to respond to those kind of words of affirmation.
Maybe something has been off about me lately, cause it can't be coincidence that my brother decides he wants to hang out and just love me today and I know I always push them away because I don't know how to say things back and I don't know how to express my feelings well and I don't know how to just say those words of affirmation to these people who matter to me. I can't. And I just feel like I'm such a hard person to love. Why love me? Why love someone who doesn't know how to love back? Shower me with love and suddenly it's like my brain is fried and I can't function. My heart has been beating faster with everytime I think of my boss and her gift, everytime since 4 days ago now. That can't be normal. That can't possibly be normal.
It's the strangest feeling in the world. Wanting to be loved by the people around you and wanting to be acknowledged for your efforts, but at the same time not being able to handle all the emotions and feelings I get once it actually happens. Maybe I am broken inside somewhere afterall. But maybe... Maybe this is the healing process.
Labels: daily life, love, me, things about me
This is me
I'm a very easy person to please in a way that I don't know is good or not. A single praise would make my entire day and flutter the feelings in me and in part, there is the innocence. The innocence of never dated before. The thing is, I'm not only an introvert, I'm shy. I thought I was much better than I used to be, because I would force myself to talk to people nowadays. But really, I'm still more comfortable with myself. Getting thrown into this environment made me come to this realization that the shyness never went away. I just forced it down a little. I don't talk to people, period. I'm extremely bad at keeping up a conversation with people I just meet so it's like you can totally expect an abrupt conversation end from me and then an awkward silence following.
Yet, when I'm familiar with people, I go a little crazy. I tend to be crazy a lot with Rinny and dammit, I miss her. I talk shit loads when I'm with Nicole. Basically, if we click, I have a lot to say. It has come to the point that I keep so many things personal to me that no one knows what I really am. Sometimes I don't know what I really am.
And I honestly believe that Rinny is the only one I actually know in real who knows my favorite band, my favorite member of the band, and even she doesn't know my favorite song.
It's to the point that people around me don't know my favorite color, my favorite genre of songs, my past time, anything. Anything that anyone knows about me barely even skims the top. And I don't feel comfortable sharing about things like these to just anyone. Like my favorite band is something personal to me, like a guilty pleasure where I can seek joy from in my moment of solace. Or like how dancing makes me so much happier but before I came here, it was like my classmates barely even hears me say a word about dance.
I keep so many things to myself. Even if someone ask, I might make up shit to answer them because I don't like to get judged for my choice. If I were not comfortable with the person asking I'd just give a socially acceptable answer instead.
It was during class today that it struck me. I'm so bad at accepting praise. I just can't. Like if you leave me to do things, I'll work hard towards it. But if someone points it out to the entire class, I just grow flustered and mess up (which I did). It's not saying that I did not like it. I mean I do like the acknowledgment. I'm just horrible at giving an appropriate reply for it.
And that's why, I sometimes doubt it when people give me praise. I rarely get them, and I stutter a thank you and glow with happiness for the entire day. But somewhere along the way, I start thinking "were they being sarcastic?", "did they mean it in another way?" And it overthink things to the point that I spoil it for myself.
On a different note, how does one even know if they are depressed? Like mildly depressed but not extreme to the point that they would like to kill themselves. I was on yikyak and I asked that very same question. I got many replies, one of which was that there were self-assessment for depression so curious curious me went ahead a tried. Well, I felt like the questions were a little too obvious, but otherwise, I got "moderately depressed" for nearly all of them. One of them stated that it had similar symptoms to bipolar disorder so it might be that instead.
Just the thought though. I never thought of myself as depressed (who knows, maybe I am but I refuse to accept that). I do have some funny thoughts like how I take every opportunity to tell myself "I'm amazing." Like I go grocery shopping alone and make it home safely, and I tell myself "I'm amazing." Or if I go do well in a quiz, I encourage myself the same way. I do have low self-esteem since I was a kid, so there's that, and in a way, telling myself that "I'm amazing" makes me believe it I guess? And I honestly feel like I inch towards optimism more and I have never thought any true depressing thoughts. Everyone has their uncertainty for the future, and for me, that is pretty much it. The only problem with me is that sometimes I laugh, and even I don't know if I'm laughing just as an act.
Well, depressed or not, to me it is just a term. Because honestly, these feelings have been with me a long time. The low self-esteem, the extreme shyness and the introvert I am, they have been who I am since the start of time.
When I was a kid, my mum even brought me to a psychologist because she felt like I cried too much (low self-esteem). So technically, I can say "I'm not crazy, my mum had me tested."
(I really want to get a shirt that says that. Would be so cool kekeke)
Labels: buffalo, Depression, things about me
I miss dancing so much
I'm not going to make a long post today because it's getting late and I have early class tomorrow.
I haven't been able to sleep at night these days (I mean, what's new? I'm reverting to my own sleep cycle), but I was busy the entire day today with Japanese class starting at 9 am and I just came back from Contemporary dance class at 10pm.
Well, I have to admit, I have not been in the best moods lately because of reasons
1. Despite all the freedom America claims to have, I feel so controlled here.
What do I mean? For a freedom-loving person and a very independent individual, I can't stand being tied down. I absolutely can't have some escort or bodyguard following me 24/7. But America is not "safe" per se (or at least it isn't in comparison to Singapore). So, from the orientation, lecturers and professors, doctors and police, everyone is warning us not go out alone. But unfortunately, that is something I can't take. I have resigned to having Andrew follow me everywhere because I'm just not allowed to go out alone. I know he means well, but I feel so constricted and just like I have no space to breathe. I can't shop if I have friends with me, I can't do shit if I'm with people.
Suddenly I found myself in a totally new lifestyle where I'm not allowed to be independent (does that even make sense?)
America can have all the freedom of speech and freedom of rights they have but I have never felt this constricted and restricted before.
2. I had an argument with my roommate's friend from the first day I moved in.I was already in a bad mood before she texted me, that I would have to admit. But she was being really rude and demanding because she wanted to live with her friends (my roommates). But the thing was that she didn't even bother asking me, but instead went straight to demanding. She literally texted me, quote, "I need you to change apartmeny with me" (yes, she typoed)
Like there was no introduction to who she was, and why I have to change with her, nothing. She just asked if I was who she was looking for and demanded that I changed with her. She didn't even bother to email me earlier to mention she wanted a change (our emails were all shared to our roommates in the email when we received our addresses) and I had already moved all my stuff in. Not only that, I was on my way to Canada with my family but she just went right on demanding that I started to get really cheesed off by her attics.
I have mentioned this once, and I'll mention it again. I can't stand it when people just use vulgarities like it means nothing. I would not stoop to her level and act all barbaric. She had the guts to threaten me that her "cousin" (my roommate) was diabetic and if she had an attack, it would be my fault.
Well, guess what? Lies. All of them lies. Her "cousin" is not her "cousin" and her diabetes with medical equipment is also all a lie. She also said that they applied to stay together and the management made a mistake. Guess what. MORE LIES.
I may not have many connections, and I may not have many friends but I trust my friends and unfortunately for her, Andrew was right there when they were texting me. Well, congratulations. Even though I did not exactly know that all she said was lies, I rejected her and found out the truth the next day from Andrew.
All I can say is, I have never been more glad I rejected her. She doesn't even deserve to change with me.
Thank god my roommates (her friends) are okay people and they seem rather nice. I'm fine with them and we talk but we pretend the incident never happened.
After that whole argument, I started to thinking about it. Was it really right of me to do that? But thanks to my friends, every single person who I spoke to about this incident have been very supportive and it makes me a little relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
3. My mum is controlling me all around the globe.I guess this relates back to number 1. I can't stand being controlled. I really need my freedom. When I was in Singapore, my parents let me do whatever I want because I am close by. But now that I am far, my mum wants to keep me in check and stuff. I'm very good at one thing, and that is ignoring text messages. So, she decided to text Andrew instead. Like telling him to tell me to give him stuff. Or telling him to tell me to do stuff or even telling him to help me with stuff. Like, I understand that she is worried and all but I can handle my own stuff. Why must you tell him to tell me to give him stuff? I don't mean to be selfish, but that is my stuff. It's not even that. Telling him to do stuff for me, makes me uncomfortable. I don't know about you but I like to do my own stuff. If I have to build a bookshelf, well, I'd like to do it myself (the whole part of being independent). I bought hair dye, and she keeps asking me why I haven't dyed my hair. Well, I'm sorry I have been in school? And when I tell her stuff, she just refuses to listen. I'll explain more about that in one of my posts of my vacation.
But the purpose of this post isn't to complain.
The point of this whole thing is to say that I have found a sort of an outlet for me.
I have tried many things. I swear. I watched tv shows, I watched performances, I watched youtube videos, I tried to hang out with people (why did I even try? That just made me more upset), I tried to go to school events, I even bought crayons to just vent on something because trust me, I don't like being upset.
1. CyclingBefore my parents left, we got a bicycle from Walmart. I used that as an excuse to get away from people. I mean when I walk or take the shuttle to school with people, it is just expected that we talk or something. But with cycling, I have my little alone time and the breeze against my face is just an added bonus. I feel like I can finally do something on my own. Well, that and because Andrew doesn't have a bike so it means I can even get around places on my own. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but really, after all that constricted environment, it means a lot.
2. DancingI don't really know if it is a total coincidence that both are exercises (probably not) because I usually don't like to exercise. I have been wanting to dance for a very long time. I had quit Jazz (which I took for 2 years) and Ballet (which I have learnt for 10 years) because of my major exam at that time. The classes were really time consuming at that time because I had a very strict teacher. We would go to class 3 times a week and stay there for hours after we were done with school. I never really got back to dance after that. I did join 1 dance course in a community center but honestly, I did not even break a sweat in those and it just didn't feel like I accomplished anything.
I knew I had to get back into dance. I went to the club fairs in the orientation set on just joining dance (and I did apply, but I'm waiting for an email to come). Because emails were not coming (not even from the other clubs I joined), I got impatient, and added a course into my schedule.
ATH207, there, is an introductory class to beginning contemporary dance. I have wanted to learn contemporary for at least 4 years now. Even when I was doing ballet, I wanted to do contemporary. I felt it was more personal and emotional. So even though the class is relatively far from where I am staying, and not to mention at 8pm, I took it without much hesitation. I just came back from my first class and I do not regret a thing. I feel like I have let loose some of my stress just from dancing alone. I'm not a very good dancer per se, but having danced for 10 years would bring you somewhere even if you are not good to start with. I used to be non-committal towards dance. I was never as motivated as my other ballet classmates, but dance still means a lot to me. And it comes to me in all sorts of different manners sometimes.
3. JapaneseThis one really struck me halfway while I was typing. Jap classes and learning Jap in general. I get this sense of achievement when I can read a word, or when I remember how to write a character. It's like creating something out of nothing (in my mind), and that sense of achievement just makes me happy. It's similar to dance - creating something out of nothing. And even though I have to wake up early for my Japanese class, I still don't mind. It allows me to cycle to school alone (bonus!!) and it gives me more time alone after class too.
In conclusion, this woman here needs her freedom. If I lose my freedom, I am more than certain I will get moody, snappy and depressed. I just can't be told that I'm not allowed to go to the mall alone because it is dangerous. I understand that it may be dangerous but it's just how I have grown up till now. I have been going out on my own since I was 9 or 10. I would go out the house and buy snacks from the store 10 minutes away and walk around my house estate without a care in the world. Suddenly telling me that I need an escort and bodyguard like I am - what? - a 6 year old? Well, I just can't accept that.
Labels: buffalo, daily activities, dance, life, me, school, things about me, things I can't stand, USA
I honestly always found negativity annoying in a sense. I don't mean that depressed people are annoying, no. I mean that people who do it for attention gets on my nerves. It isn't like I am just rainbows and butterflies, that just because I smile all day long and seem happy, that I don't have any negativity in me. I do. I just don't like to flaunt it. Maybe it is because of the old saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. And I don't like it when people bombard me with negativity, so I end up keeping everything to myself. I don't mind if people talk to me about their problems (I actually like listening to people, and I do feel honored to be the one who is allowed to hear their woes), I don't mind if people hits a wall. Everyone does. But it is when people act all self-centered and as if the whole world is about them that really gets me. Sometimes I really do want to help, and no matter what you say, the other is just not willing to listen. Telling me "You wouldn't understand" doesn't help. If you don't explain, how would I understand?
There are days that I spend thinking on my own and there are thoughts that comes to mind that are not at all good for my esteem. But I try not to let that get to me. So what if I think I'm not pretty? So what if I suck at communication? So what if I just can't seem to do good enough to those people I care for? So what? There are many other things I can name that I do well. I believe I am a good confidant. I believe that I have a good character. I believe that I am worth something to someone, and sometimes that's all I need. There are times the little things get to me like how even my mum wouldn't listen to me. She has this bad habit of talking and talking and talking but never listening. I have been getting really annoyed these past few months because I have repeat everything I tell her just about at least 5 times even though it was her who asked me in the first place (like why ask if you wouldn't listen?). I don't understand how a family can possibly not notice that I just chopped off like 4 inches of my hair without even going to a barber (yes, I chopped it off myself and it is visibly much shorter, but heck, no one really cares) It's not like I don't know my parents care for me. I know they do. But it is the little details that just makes me a little sad. Like how my mum would choose my brother over me, or how sometimes she treat his girlfriend better than she treats me. It's not an ''all the time'' kind of thing. She does treat me better than his girlfriend sometimes but it still gets to me when I see it happening. The fact that her secretary, her 2 partners, our housekeeper, all know my schedules better than her, should actually say something about how much she actually knows about me. And it gets to me because I freaking suck at communication and when I'm left alone without school, I find myself having no outlet to talk to. There are probably only 2 people who would even care if I spoke about these things to them, and even then I didn't keep proper contact with them either.
It's funny how I am nearing 19 and I honestly can't think of anyone I can really call my best friend apart from these 2 people. Maybe I had a best friend when I was in primary school, and that is why till now it is still my favorite period of time in my life. But things happen, people forget. I still text and call them for their birthday but I know that they probably don't even know mine without checking.
I have told myself time and again that "I like being alone" and I actually do believe it. I like being alone. I don't like getting bombarded with questions but at the same time I like it. I'm happier when I'm around people. Even if I don't know if I put on a smile for them, or for myself, it doesn't matter because I am still happier.
Yes, I suck at making friends. But I do think I make friends with relatively good people. And what does numbers mean when you have friendships that are deep? I just wish they could be here with me sometimes.
Well, enough of that. I'm ending my finals tomorrow and then I'll be pretty much free. I have to apply for my visa, and download tons of shows. I need to get back on reading and writing and post up the rest of my trip as well. Then, I'll have to start packing.
I feel like dyeing my hair midnight blue~
Labels: do you know who you are?, I never said it but I do appreciate your presence as much as I suck at responding to your msges, me, Personality, primary school, rant, things about me
Why So Se-ri-ous? (I was thinking of why so curious when I wrote this instead)
Alrighto! So, many people who knows me both online or in the real world, tend to see me as a person who seems very rigid and serious. I think I give this aura that tells them that I am not to be joked with or else I would get upset.
You know how people smash cakes in to the birthday boy/girl's face as a prank and at the end of the the day, everyone in the party would get smeared with cake all over the cake. I am that person on the sidelines laughing but never participating. No one dares to do anything to me. Sometimes it may seem like a good thing like hey, you are the only one all clean and sparkly, but there is so much fun you miss out on because people just sees you as that totally serious and rigid person (and I don't even get angry at my friends that easily). Then again, pretty much no one celebrates my birthday anyways.
Sometimes I actually want to join in the fun, get all dirty and happy but it is not as if I can tell people throw that shit in my face, you know what I mean?
I can be very serious if I want to; especially when I am doing group work. When I am doing group work I just want things to be done. We could go out for a meal after everything is done and cleaned up but when we are doing work, let's just focus on work. I have a don't-play-attitude when it comes to work. I expect group mates to understand what they are doing and be able to explain their points. It doesn't matter if it is wrong but if they try and made an effort to work on it, I'll be fine with it. But fun time is fun time for me. I can go all high and crazy at random times (without alcohol or drugs, mind you) and just let loose and have fun.
I like to have fun. I may seem to be that all work person but really, I live to enjoy what I am doing. Well, on that note, I am going to the Universal Studios tomorrow afternoon with the bunch of primary school brats. Honestly, these people seems to be the best bunch to see who I really am. With them, I can play and no one would judge me because my craziest days were spent with these brats. Primary school days were the best days in my life. I always say this and so far it is still true. It saddens me that we are no longer as close as before but I'm just glad that we are doing all these get togethers to catch up again.
PS: When I say primary school brats, I don't literally mean they are in primary school right now. These are the precious people whom I have shared my carefree primary school days with.
You know how people smash cakes in to the birthday boy/girl's face as a prank and at the end of the the day, everyone in the party would get smeared with cake all over the cake. I am that person on the sidelines laughing but never participating. No one dares to do anything to me. Sometimes it may seem like a good thing like hey, you are the only one all clean and sparkly, but there is so much fun you miss out on because people just sees you as that totally serious and rigid person (and I don't even get angry at my friends that easily). Then again, pretty much no one celebrates my birthday anyways.
Sometimes I actually want to join in the fun, get all dirty and happy but it is not as if I can tell people throw that shit in my face, you know what I mean?
I can be very serious if I want to; especially when I am doing group work. When I am doing group work I just want things to be done. We could go out for a meal after everything is done and cleaned up but when we are doing work, let's just focus on work. I have a don't-play-attitude when it comes to work. I expect group mates to understand what they are doing and be able to explain their points. It doesn't matter if it is wrong but if they try and made an effort to work on it, I'll be fine with it. But fun time is fun time for me. I can go all high and crazy at random times (without alcohol or drugs, mind you) and just let loose and have fun. I like to have fun. I may seem to be that all work person but really, I live to enjoy what I am doing. Well, on that note, I am going to the Universal Studios tomorrow afternoon with the bunch of primary school brats. Honestly, these people seems to be the best bunch to see who I really am. With them, I can play and no one would judge me because my craziest days were spent with these brats. Primary school days were the best days in my life. I always say this and so far it is still true. It saddens me that we are no longer as close as before but I'm just glad that we are doing all these get togethers to catch up again.
PS: When I say primary school brats, I don't literally mean they are in primary school right now. These are the precious people whom I have shared my carefree primary school days with.
Labels: Personality, things about me
Things I can't stand in a person
Well, this topic came up because this really bad habit came up with schoolwork that I really can't stand. I am refering to people who doesn't make the effort to try and instead gets help from others to finish their work.
No. Honestly, doesn't these people just tick you off? I don't know if it is me who is selfish or it is them who are selfish. Since I'm still studying, let me give an example in my own terms. We had a small quiz for one of our modules that can be done like a survey. It allows for unlimited tries and we can do it until we achieve full marks. Sounds easy? Here is where it gets even easier - answers are Google-ble. Like I literally copy and pasted portions of the question into Google and the answer is right into my face. Easy peasy. That is why I can't justify when people simply ask for answers as if it was impossible for them to achieve the answers on their own. They were multiple choice questions. Even if we did not read the question, we could choose one answer and submit it to see if it is right or wrong. It is a tedious process, yes, but if they don't even bother to watch the lectures, that is the least they could do to try and get their own grades, not ask for answers.
Another thing I absolutely cannot accept is backstabbing. To me, backstabbing marks the end of our friendship. The feeling of being backstabbed especially when they got their facts wrong is really both upsetting and infuriating. But you know what I love? Watching them backstabbers receive karma. When I was still in primary school, the was one day I forgot to do my homework, and so I skipped my recess to finish it. During which, I went down to the canteen during the last 5 minutes to grab myself a piece of bread with a friend who was only so nice as to accompany me. So imagine my surprise when my best friend got upset because "I lied to her so that I could go to recess with another friend." These rumours came from another girl in my clique. That was not as bad as what she did next though. She told my teacher that I copied my homework from the friend that kept me company right in front of the entire class. I was so embarrassed and angry and I swear I was on the verge of crying. But guess what? Apparently that teacher knew me well and she liked me quite alot as compared to that tattletale who she didn't really like. So the teacher scolded her instead of me and honestly I was never more glad.
This same girl is the one whom I still hold an grudge against because that was not the worse she did. She made my bestfriend and I quarrel over things that never happened and one day when she made me cry, instead of feeling sorry, all she said in front of the entire class was "She (me) is always like this (crying). This isn't the first time; it's just that none of you knew, " I'm sorry? Is making someone cry supposed to be something to be proud of? Is crying something people like to do in front of everyone? Right. Karma is when her crush is the guy that liked me instead.
I also can't stand it when people take my personal things without asking or behind my back. What I mean are things like my diary out my phone or something like this. If you take my phone right in front of my eyes and I don't say anything it means permission is silently granted. But doing it behind my back is just disgusting. Like this one guy who read my diary when I went up to talk to a teacher. Trust me, I didn't talk to him for nearly a year. And this one girl I invited to my place. Well guess what. She had friends over which I was completely fine with but she showed her friends around my house without me even knowing and they could have stolen something and I would never know. It should be common courtesy to wait for an offer or at least ask for permission before doing as you please in somebody else's place. I think it should be the same for most people but it really spoils my day when I meet rude people. There was once I was out in 7eleven, buying a drink that came up to be $2.10. I paid the cashier $3 and she asked me snipely if I had a 10 cent coin. I did not hear it clearly and so I asked her, "I'm sorry?" with a smile. What I did not expect and I don't think I deserve either seeing as how I am a customer of the store was how she replied with a
"Oh, are you deaf? Nevermind, forget it."
I remembered asking "What?" in very clear shock and she did not answer before my friend took me away (not that I would have the guts to do anything anyway).
Yup, and those pretty much sums up what really dislike in people. Basically, I would say, as long as you're a decent honest person, I doubt I will have anything to rant about.
Labels: me, rant, things about me
Things I'm bad at
So, screw the awkward introductions and let me expose my entire being. Since I'm on this topic, let's go with something that can be related to this page. One of the things I'm bad at includes being consistent with blogging. I can't emphasize enough how many abandoned blogs I have that now only serves to remind me of my embarrassing and childish past. Maybe not only blogging. It is actually social media that I actually can't keep consistent about. My Facebook hasn't been updated since the mid of last year, I created a Twitter account which I have always found pointless and so far it has proven to be so, I have a snapchat account which I'm pretty sure I sent out less than 10 pictures and I'm known to not respond to certain smses simply because I don't know what to reply. The only things I update these days are my instagram and my tumblr. All these brings me to my next point.
I am really bad at expressing myself. Take it this way. I don't reply to messages because I don't know what to say, I don't post random status on my Facebook because I don't know how to phrase it, I don't use Twitter because it's pretty much the same thing. It's easier to express my thoughts when I'm talking face to face with someone else but even then, the introvert in me would at times choose to freeze up and blank out and I end up shutting up and (as my friends would like to put it) zone out.
I am a socially awkward potato or penguin which ever you prefer. It took me months in a new class of an old school for me to find friends even though I already knew some people there. It took me nearly a full year for me to find friends in the college I'm in right now and I could hardly find group mates before that. I guess it is also because I'm afraid of what is socially right and socially wrong for different people. I want to fit in so I end up not wanting to act out of the norm the first time I meet someone. When I'm not close to a person, I can be extremely quiet. I clamp my mouth shut and shut the hell up and that's the story of how my first two college terms turn out so miserable. Once I get to know people better though, it's as though I can't shut up at all. I comment on the most random things and do the stupidest things.
Despite all that, I think I might be rather choosy with my friends. If something doesn't seem right for me about someone, I wouldn't categorize them as my friend. If a friend hits a nerve or a sore spot and ultimately doesn't think they are wrong, I'm sorry but that too is a strike off the list.
With that said, I have a major disability to act like I care if I really don't. You can go on talking about games I don't understand or about something that simply does not interest me and I would go straight into the zoning out zone. If you tell me something that makes you upset and I don't agree to your point of view, I wouldn't act like I do and I wouldn't pretend to sympathize with you because I don't. It is better when it is over the net and I can take my time to think of what to type but in real life, I would just send you the are you freaking kidding me stare. Simply put it, I am very bad at lying.
When I lie, I tend to raise my volume a little and also my pitch would go higher and I'd laugh alot. I laugh alot on pretty much every occasion but add all 3 together and I'm probably trying to guide you to a surprise birthday party without you knowing. Well, that is for white lies at least. With other lies, I'd probably fidget alot and shuffle my feet. I'm not saying I don't lie. I probably exaggerate more often than I think I do but those are things I do subconsciously. Outrightly lying isn't one of my forte.
Similar to lying, I can't swear; well maybe not can't per say, more like I feel really uncomfortable doing it. There was one period of time when my peers are using it as if it were any other word in the dictionary. It was then that I remember using vulgarities like once or twice but I never did feel comfortable with it. Even when I'm quoting someone, I try my best not to use the vulgarities the other person has used. I don't stop people from using vulgarities casually but if someone directs it at me in a fit of anger I would tell them that I don't think I deserve to be called whatever they call me. I feel uncomfortable even typing a vulgarity and sometimes even disguise it like duck or something.
I am a grudge-holder. If someone did something to me without a proper sincere apology, I would hold that grudge for a long time. Let's just say that I have a classmate in primary school who was in my clique of friends when I was 11. Now, 8 years later, I still hate her. Hate is the word because in my opinion she deserves it. Second chances are fine, but they are only called second for a reason.
Well, maybe these weren't the things I really am bad at like singing or something, but they are all still a part of who I am.
I am really bad at expressing myself. Take it this way. I don't reply to messages because I don't know what to say, I don't post random status on my Facebook because I don't know how to phrase it, I don't use Twitter because it's pretty much the same thing. It's easier to express my thoughts when I'm talking face to face with someone else but even then, the introvert in me would at times choose to freeze up and blank out and I end up shutting up and (as my friends would like to put it) zone out.
I am a socially awkward potato or penguin which ever you prefer. It took me months in a new class of an old school for me to find friends even though I already knew some people there. It took me nearly a full year for me to find friends in the college I'm in right now and I could hardly find group mates before that. I guess it is also because I'm afraid of what is socially right and socially wrong for different people. I want to fit in so I end up not wanting to act out of the norm the first time I meet someone. When I'm not close to a person, I can be extremely quiet. I clamp my mouth shut and shut the hell up and that's the story of how my first two college terms turn out so miserable. Once I get to know people better though, it's as though I can't shut up at all. I comment on the most random things and do the stupidest things.Despite all that, I think I might be rather choosy with my friends. If something doesn't seem right for me about someone, I wouldn't categorize them as my friend. If a friend hits a nerve or a sore spot and ultimately doesn't think they are wrong, I'm sorry but that too is a strike off the list.
With that said, I have a major disability to act like I care if I really don't. You can go on talking about games I don't understand or about something that simply does not interest me and I would go straight into the zoning out zone. If you tell me something that makes you upset and I don't agree to your point of view, I wouldn't act like I do and I wouldn't pretend to sympathize with you because I don't. It is better when it is over the net and I can take my time to think of what to type but in real life, I would just send you the are you freaking kidding me stare. Simply put it, I am very bad at lying.
When I lie, I tend to raise my volume a little and also my pitch would go higher and I'd laugh alot. I laugh alot on pretty much every occasion but add all 3 together and I'm probably trying to guide you to a surprise birthday party without you knowing. Well, that is for white lies at least. With other lies, I'd probably fidget alot and shuffle my feet. I'm not saying I don't lie. I probably exaggerate more often than I think I do but those are things I do subconsciously. Outrightly lying isn't one of my forte.
Similar to lying, I can't swear; well maybe not can't per say, more like I feel really uncomfortable doing it. There was one period of time when my peers are using it as if it were any other word in the dictionary. It was then that I remember using vulgarities like once or twice but I never did feel comfortable with it. Even when I'm quoting someone, I try my best not to use the vulgarities the other person has used. I don't stop people from using vulgarities casually but if someone directs it at me in a fit of anger I would tell them that I don't think I deserve to be called whatever they call me. I feel uncomfortable even typing a vulgarity and sometimes even disguise it like duck or something.
I am a grudge-holder. If someone did something to me without a proper sincere apology, I would hold that grudge for a long time. Let's just say that I have a classmate in primary school who was in my clique of friends when I was 11. Now, 8 years later, I still hate her. Hate is the word because in my opinion she deserves it. Second chances are fine, but they are only called second for a reason.Well, maybe these weren't the things I really am bad at like singing or something, but they are all still a part of who I am.
Labels: Personality, things about me
Obviously in construction at the moment... or maybe forever because I'm lazy like this ;)
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