Take the time to enjoy yourself.

Too Much Love

If you've known me for sometime, and have attempted to say 3 special words to me, you'll realize that I do not feel comfortable saying them back to you - or anyone else for that matter of fact. Those words being: I love you.

I felt the need to write this down despite my long hiatus because I am being overwhelmed by emotions right now because of people around me. It isn't a bad thing I guess, but it isn't exactly good either. Maybe some part of me is broken instead, but I find it so hard to accept this thing called "love". I do not mean the romantic love, but simple love like friendship love or familial love, it feels uncomfortable for me to accept it all because I feel like I can't give it back to them. Am I capable of love? Probably, yes. But I can't reach up to their expectations of expressing said emotion because I can't even say those 3 works back to them.

The reason why I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, is because everyone has been showering me with immense amounts of this love. Am I even deserving of it? I'm not very proud of who I have been the past two years or so because of the lack of satisfaction or ambition in myself, but constantly there are people just driving me on, loving me and showing my their love that I feel responsible to show them what I can do to prove their love was put in the right place. I'm going for holiday in a week, but I feel even more stressed out now than when I was working.

Things started nearing the last day of my work last week. It's known between my colleagues and I that my boss likes me a lot compared to my other colleagues. She'll get snappy when they ask her questions, but with me she could joke around or rant to me about the higher bosses. Two days before my leaving the company, she gave me 2 packets of snacks and just that made me so touched because what have I done to receive this favor from her? On my last day of work, one of my colleague bought a slice of cake to share between us as a farewell gift for me, and my boss bought my a mug. The thing is, my boss never bought any one of the other temp staffs anything during their departure, but that special treatment to me just made me feel so blessed, so loved, so much that I didn't know what to do. I basically sat there with my palms over my cheeks because I felt so paiseh/bad that my boss had given me something when I haven't. But the true reason for my feeling bad over the gift, was because of the amount of love it showed in it. I felt so loved that I didn't know what to do.

Today, I was talking to joe over Skype, and if you know, I don't handle compliments well either. Joe is someone who affirms me as a friend a lot. He constantly tells me that he appreciates me as a friend, and he would point out exactly what it is that he appreciates in me, and I just clamped up. I couldn't reply coherently because I didn't know what to say. But just like on my last day of work, I just felt so loved. Joe is someone really important to me. He is one of the few people I really call my close/best friends. I don't collect friends by the numbers and I only hold a few dear ones close to me, and joe is one of them. Even so, to hear how much he loves and appreciates me, makes my heart and brain go on overload. I never know how to respond to those kind of words of affirmation.

Maybe something has been off about me lately, cause it can't be coincidence that my brother decides he wants to hang out and just love me today and I know I always push them away because I don't know how to say things back and I don't know how to express my feelings well and I don't know how to just say those words of affirmation to these people who matter to me. I can't. And I just feel like I'm such a hard person to love. Why love me? Why love someone who doesn't know how to love back? Shower me with love and suddenly it's like my brain is fried and I can't function. My heart has been beating faster with everytime I think of my boss and her gift, everytime since 4 days ago now. That can't be normal. That can't possibly be normal.

It's the strangest feeling in the world. Wanting to be loved by the people around you and wanting to be acknowledged for your efforts, but at the same time not being able to handle all the emotions and feelings I get once it actually happens. Maybe I am broken inside somewhere afterall. But maybe... Maybe this is the healing process.

Labels: daily life, love, me, things about me

❤ "Too Much Love" was Posted On: Sunday, May 1, 2016 @12:16 PM | 0Omnomnomnomnom ✿

This whole "you are too young", "it is too dangerous", "you can't go out alone", "you have to listen to what I say" thing is going to drive me crazy. Literally.

I feel like I am getting judged for every single thing I do. I get judged for being in deep thought. I get judged for liking dance. I get judged for keeping quiet. I get judged for talking. I get judged for my personality and how I just like to be alone. I mean seriously. And this is why I'd rather be alone. I need my time to clear my head and just go for a damn walk around and take a trip down to the bookstore or something because I'm quite sure I am losing my head with all this restrictions put onto me in a country that has the so-called most freedom in the world. Well, guess what? Bullshit.

Labels: me, rant, things I can't stand

❤ "" was Posted On: Friday, September 5, 2014 @6:25 PM | 0Omnomnomnomnom ✿

New York - Woodbury and Boston

Day 6, was a day on the move. We left Manhattan and headed to our first premium outlet without even knowing how popular this place was. We just searched for the nearest one and this was where it brought us.

There were really many cheap stuff around and even I ended up getting stuff. I bought a COACH wallet for my brother for his birthday for only USD$46 if I remembered correctly. Then, I bought a Kate Spade wallet for about USD$50 because it was on a huge discount. Like it was on 40% off, and then an additional 20% off plus a coupon of 10% off and then taxed after. I didn't expect this wallet to spark off so much arguments after that. I mean, it is just $50.

So the thing went like this. I just changed my wallet because RuiMing gave me one after seeing that I did not have one back in Singapore. It was quite a good wallet from Espirit and I even liked the color quite a lot. I didn't want to be disrespectful in that sense that I wanted to wallet but then now I just change it in less than like a month. Plus, when I purchased this wallet, I was thinking of another friend of mine, Cherie, who once told me she wanted to get a kate spade wallet in the future. I bought it thinking that I could give it to her. So after much contemplation, I decided that I would give it to her. I told my mum to send it to her place, and even gave her an address but dear mum for the love of god never listens to me. I pretty much gave up talking to her because she just never listens. It is to the point that I don't know if what she is saying is true because not only does she not listen, she exaggerates a lot. It took me more than 10 times of repeating that I am not keeping the wallet before she accepted it.

They arranged themselves to meet but Cherie couldn't make it and forgot to inform my mum and my mum was all ''she did not apologize'', but I found a hole in her story and caught her on that. I mean I understand that it was Cherie's fault for not informing, but I don't need twisted facts and lies to make it seem like I chose my friends wrongly or stuff like that. I have been clashing a lot with my mum this year. We have many different opinions and I'm not scared to voice them out any more. My mum tends to stereotype a lot (like all gays are annoying and self-centered and stuff like that) and I just end up arguing with her. Most of the time, we end up just sitting silent in the car because we don't have the same ideas anymore. I'm probably the only one she has a silent car trip with considering how much she does talk.

Anyway, I also bought a pair of waterproof Ecco shoes for the coming winter and it came in really handy because I can use it for trekking and hiking too.

And Andrew got me a bag because my parents did not want to take money from him for the trip.

And that was about it. Nearly everything I bought was not for me though.
We ended up leaving the area at 4+pm and headed towards Boston.

We arrived quite late, so we just grabbed some dinner and took the night off.

This was the place we stayed from the outside.

We were driving around the universities there, mainly Harvard, and we spotted something:

After hearing from us how nice Shake Shack was, Liyen wanted to give it a try as well, and we wanted to more of it too. So we parked and waited for a while because it only opened at 11am, before we ordered the same as we did the last time.

It looks like the literal burgers in advertisements.

We only bought 2 for all 6 of us because this was meant to be only a snack (breakfast, maybe?) and we were planning to go to eat lobsters after that. Afterall, Boston lobsters are like a must try here, right?

We ate at this place only because we found a parking there, but it turned out not too good. It wasn't really fresh and the seafood chowder was really fishy.

We then took our leftovers to feed seagulls. Or rather, the small kid, Mike, did.

This one reminds me of Madagascar's 3 penguins.

Staring competition for the food in between.

After lunch, we headed to the Quincy market. It's basically this place where food stalls are put up on both sides and you walk through the building looking at them all. We did not get any though, the price wasn't attractive for us.

Little kid Mike again.

We ended up going to Abercrombie and Fitch again for the guys but I got a fluffy jacket from there as well.

They bought tons of body mist, lotion and deo, because they were only $5 each but in the midst of grabbing them, they did not realize that some of them were female items and smelled like vanilla. Not even I can stand the sweet smell.

We went to Chinatown after that, went to Macy's, and the guys bought a lot of stuff because there was a discount.
We went to a chinese restaurant as per recommended by the internet, and ate more lobsters. This time, the chinese food was really good and the lobsters were nice too. It wasn't even expensive compared to other food in US. Like we had 2 lobsters, 2 veg, 2 meat dishes and we paid about $90 enough to feed all 6 of us.