I honestly always found negativity annoying in a sense. I don't mean that depressed people are annoying, no. I mean that people who do it for attention gets on my nerves. It isn't like I am just rainbows and butterflies, that just because I smile all day long and seem happy, that I don't have any negativity in me. I do. I just don't like to flaunt it. Maybe it is because of the old saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. And I don't like it when people bombard me with negativity, so I end up keeping everything to myself. I don't mind if people talk to me about their problems (I actually like listening to people, and I do feel honored to be the one who is allowed to hear their woes), I don't mind if people hits a wall. Everyone does. But it is when people act all self-centered and as if the whole world is about them that really gets me. Sometimes I really do want to help, and no matter what you say, the other is just not willing to listen. Telling me "You wouldn't understand" doesn't help. If you don't explain, how would I understand?
There are days that I spend thinking on my own and there are thoughts that comes to mind that are not at all good for my esteem. But I try not to let that get to me. So what if I think I'm not pretty? So what if I suck at communication? So what if I just can't seem to do good enough to those people I care for? So what? There are many other things I can name that I do well. I believe I am a good confidant. I believe that I have a good character. I believe that I am worth something to someone, and sometimes that's all I need. There are times the little things get to me like how even my mum wouldn't listen to me. She has this bad habit of talking and talking and talking but never listening. I have been getting really annoyed these past few months because I have repeat everything I tell her just about at least 5 times even though it was her who asked me in the first place (like why ask if you wouldn't listen?). I don't understand how a family can possibly not notice that I just chopped off like 4 inches of my hair without even going to a barber (yes, I chopped it off myself and it is visibly much shorter, but heck, no one really cares) It's not like I don't know my parents care for me. I know they do. But it is the little details that just makes me a little sad. Like how my mum would choose my brother over me, or how sometimes she treat his girlfriend better than she treats me. It's not an ''all the time'' kind of thing. She does treat me better than his girlfriend sometimes but it still gets to me when I see it happening. The fact that her secretary, her 2 partners, our housekeeper, all know my schedules better than her, should actually say something about how much she actually knows about me. And it gets to me because I freaking suck at communication and when I'm left alone without school, I find myself having no outlet to talk to. There are probably only 2 people who would even care if I spoke about these things to them, and even then I didn't keep proper contact with them either.
It's funny how I am nearing 19 and I honestly can't think of anyone I can really call my best friend apart from these 2 people. Maybe I had a best friend when I was in primary school, and that is why till now it is still my favorite period of time in my life. But things happen, people forget. I still text and call them for their birthday but I know that they probably don't even know mine without checking.
I have told myself time and again that "I like being alone" and I actually do believe it. I like being alone. I don't like getting bombarded with questions but at the same time I like it. I'm happier when I'm around people. Even if I don't know if I put on a smile for them, or for myself, it doesn't matter because I am still happier.
Yes, I suck at making friends. But I do think I make friends with relatively good people. And what does numbers mean when you have friendships that are deep? I just wish they could be here with me sometimes.
Well, enough of that. I'm ending my finals tomorrow and then I'll be pretty much free. I have to apply for my visa, and download tons of shows. I need to get back on reading and writing and post up the rest of my trip as well. Then, I'll have to start packing.
I feel like dyeing my hair midnight blue~
Labels: do you know who you are?, I never said it but I do appreciate your presence as much as I suck at responding to your msges, me, Personality, primary school, rant, things about me
Why So Se-ri-ous? (I was thinking of why so curious when I wrote this instead)
Alrighto! So, many people who knows me both online or in the real world, tend to see me as a person who seems very rigid and serious. I think I give this aura that tells them that I am not to be joked with or else I would get upset.
You know how people smash cakes in to the birthday boy/girl's face as a prank and at the end of the the day, everyone in the party would get smeared with cake all over the cake. I am that person on the sidelines laughing but never participating. No one dares to do anything to me. Sometimes it may seem like a good thing like hey, you are the only one all clean and sparkly, but there is so much fun you miss out on because people just sees you as that totally serious and rigid person (and I don't even get angry at my friends that easily). Then again, pretty much no one celebrates my birthday anyways.
Sometimes I actually want to join in the fun, get all dirty and happy but it is not as if I can tell people throw that shit in my face, you know what I mean?
I can be very serious if I want to; especially when I am doing group work. When I am doing group work I just want things to be done. We could go out for a meal after everything is done and cleaned up but when we are doing work, let's just focus on work. I have a don't-play-attitude when it comes to work. I expect group mates to understand what they are doing and be able to explain their points. It doesn't matter if it is wrong but if they try and made an effort to work on it, I'll be fine with it. But fun time is fun time for me. I can go all high and crazy at random times (without alcohol or drugs, mind you) and just let loose and have fun.
I like to have fun. I may seem to be that all work person but really, I live to enjoy what I am doing. Well, on that note, I am going to the Universal Studios tomorrow afternoon with the bunch of primary school brats. Honestly, these people seems to be the best bunch to see who I really am. With them, I can play and no one would judge me because my craziest days were spent with these brats. Primary school days were the best days in my life. I always say this and so far it is still true. It saddens me that we are no longer as close as before but I'm just glad that we are doing all these get togethers to catch up again.
PS: When I say primary school brats, I don't literally mean they are in primary school right now. These are the precious people whom I have shared my carefree primary school days with.
You know how people smash cakes in to the birthday boy/girl's face as a prank and at the end of the the day, everyone in the party would get smeared with cake all over the cake. I am that person on the sidelines laughing but never participating. No one dares to do anything to me. Sometimes it may seem like a good thing like hey, you are the only one all clean and sparkly, but there is so much fun you miss out on because people just sees you as that totally serious and rigid person (and I don't even get angry at my friends that easily). Then again, pretty much no one celebrates my birthday anyways.
Sometimes I actually want to join in the fun, get all dirty and happy but it is not as if I can tell people throw that shit in my face, you know what I mean?
I can be very serious if I want to; especially when I am doing group work. When I am doing group work I just want things to be done. We could go out for a meal after everything is done and cleaned up but when we are doing work, let's just focus on work. I have a don't-play-attitude when it comes to work. I expect group mates to understand what they are doing and be able to explain their points. It doesn't matter if it is wrong but if they try and made an effort to work on it, I'll be fine with it. But fun time is fun time for me. I can go all high and crazy at random times (without alcohol or drugs, mind you) and just let loose and have fun. I like to have fun. I may seem to be that all work person but really, I live to enjoy what I am doing. Well, on that note, I am going to the Universal Studios tomorrow afternoon with the bunch of primary school brats. Honestly, these people seems to be the best bunch to see who I really am. With them, I can play and no one would judge me because my craziest days were spent with these brats. Primary school days were the best days in my life. I always say this and so far it is still true. It saddens me that we are no longer as close as before but I'm just glad that we are doing all these get togethers to catch up again.
PS: When I say primary school brats, I don't literally mean they are in primary school right now. These are the precious people whom I have shared my carefree primary school days with.
Labels: Personality, things about me
Things I'm bad at
So, screw the awkward introductions and let me expose my entire being. Since I'm on this topic, let's go with something that can be related to this page. One of the things I'm bad at includes being consistent with blogging. I can't emphasize enough how many abandoned blogs I have that now only serves to remind me of my embarrassing and childish past. Maybe not only blogging. It is actually social media that I actually can't keep consistent about. My Facebook hasn't been updated since the mid of last year, I created a Twitter account which I have always found pointless and so far it has proven to be so, I have a snapchat account which I'm pretty sure I sent out less than 10 pictures and I'm known to not respond to certain smses simply because I don't know what to reply. The only things I update these days are my instagram and my tumblr. All these brings me to my next point.
I am really bad at expressing myself. Take it this way. I don't reply to messages because I don't know what to say, I don't post random status on my Facebook because I don't know how to phrase it, I don't use Twitter because it's pretty much the same thing. It's easier to express my thoughts when I'm talking face to face with someone else but even then, the introvert in me would at times choose to freeze up and blank out and I end up shutting up and (as my friends would like to put it) zone out.
I am a socially awkward potato or penguin which ever you prefer. It took me months in a new class of an old school for me to find friends even though I already knew some people there. It took me nearly a full year for me to find friends in the college I'm in right now and I could hardly find group mates before that. I guess it is also because I'm afraid of what is socially right and socially wrong for different people. I want to fit in so I end up not wanting to act out of the norm the first time I meet someone. When I'm not close to a person, I can be extremely quiet. I clamp my mouth shut and shut the hell up and that's the story of how my first two college terms turn out so miserable. Once I get to know people better though, it's as though I can't shut up at all. I comment on the most random things and do the stupidest things.
Despite all that, I think I might be rather choosy with my friends. If something doesn't seem right for me about someone, I wouldn't categorize them as my friend. If a friend hits a nerve or a sore spot and ultimately doesn't think they are wrong, I'm sorry but that too is a strike off the list.
With that said, I have a major disability to act like I care if I really don't. You can go on talking about games I don't understand or about something that simply does not interest me and I would go straight into the zoning out zone. If you tell me something that makes you upset and I don't agree to your point of view, I wouldn't act like I do and I wouldn't pretend to sympathize with you because I don't. It is better when it is over the net and I can take my time to think of what to type but in real life, I would just send you the are you freaking kidding me stare. Simply put it, I am very bad at lying.
When I lie, I tend to raise my volume a little and also my pitch would go higher and I'd laugh alot. I laugh alot on pretty much every occasion but add all 3 together and I'm probably trying to guide you to a surprise birthday party without you knowing. Well, that is for white lies at least. With other lies, I'd probably fidget alot and shuffle my feet. I'm not saying I don't lie. I probably exaggerate more often than I think I do but those are things I do subconsciously. Outrightly lying isn't one of my forte.
Similar to lying, I can't swear; well maybe not can't per say, more like I feel really uncomfortable doing it. There was one period of time when my peers are using it as if it were any other word in the dictionary. It was then that I remember using vulgarities like once or twice but I never did feel comfortable with it. Even when I'm quoting someone, I try my best not to use the vulgarities the other person has used. I don't stop people from using vulgarities casually but if someone directs it at me in a fit of anger I would tell them that I don't think I deserve to be called whatever they call me. I feel uncomfortable even typing a vulgarity and sometimes even disguise it like duck or something.
I am a grudge-holder. If someone did something to me without a proper sincere apology, I would hold that grudge for a long time. Let's just say that I have a classmate in primary school who was in my clique of friends when I was 11. Now, 8 years later, I still hate her. Hate is the word because in my opinion she deserves it. Second chances are fine, but they are only called second for a reason.
Well, maybe these weren't the things I really am bad at like singing or something, but they are all still a part of who I am.
I am really bad at expressing myself. Take it this way. I don't reply to messages because I don't know what to say, I don't post random status on my Facebook because I don't know how to phrase it, I don't use Twitter because it's pretty much the same thing. It's easier to express my thoughts when I'm talking face to face with someone else but even then, the introvert in me would at times choose to freeze up and blank out and I end up shutting up and (as my friends would like to put it) zone out.
I am a socially awkward potato or penguin which ever you prefer. It took me months in a new class of an old school for me to find friends even though I already knew some people there. It took me nearly a full year for me to find friends in the college I'm in right now and I could hardly find group mates before that. I guess it is also because I'm afraid of what is socially right and socially wrong for different people. I want to fit in so I end up not wanting to act out of the norm the first time I meet someone. When I'm not close to a person, I can be extremely quiet. I clamp my mouth shut and shut the hell up and that's the story of how my first two college terms turn out so miserable. Once I get to know people better though, it's as though I can't shut up at all. I comment on the most random things and do the stupidest things.Despite all that, I think I might be rather choosy with my friends. If something doesn't seem right for me about someone, I wouldn't categorize them as my friend. If a friend hits a nerve or a sore spot and ultimately doesn't think they are wrong, I'm sorry but that too is a strike off the list.
With that said, I have a major disability to act like I care if I really don't. You can go on talking about games I don't understand or about something that simply does not interest me and I would go straight into the zoning out zone. If you tell me something that makes you upset and I don't agree to your point of view, I wouldn't act like I do and I wouldn't pretend to sympathize with you because I don't. It is better when it is over the net and I can take my time to think of what to type but in real life, I would just send you the are you freaking kidding me stare. Simply put it, I am very bad at lying.
When I lie, I tend to raise my volume a little and also my pitch would go higher and I'd laugh alot. I laugh alot on pretty much every occasion but add all 3 together and I'm probably trying to guide you to a surprise birthday party without you knowing. Well, that is for white lies at least. With other lies, I'd probably fidget alot and shuffle my feet. I'm not saying I don't lie. I probably exaggerate more often than I think I do but those are things I do subconsciously. Outrightly lying isn't one of my forte.
Similar to lying, I can't swear; well maybe not can't per say, more like I feel really uncomfortable doing it. There was one period of time when my peers are using it as if it were any other word in the dictionary. It was then that I remember using vulgarities like once or twice but I never did feel comfortable with it. Even when I'm quoting someone, I try my best not to use the vulgarities the other person has used. I don't stop people from using vulgarities casually but if someone directs it at me in a fit of anger I would tell them that I don't think I deserve to be called whatever they call me. I feel uncomfortable even typing a vulgarity and sometimes even disguise it like duck or something.
I am a grudge-holder. If someone did something to me without a proper sincere apology, I would hold that grudge for a long time. Let's just say that I have a classmate in primary school who was in my clique of friends when I was 11. Now, 8 years later, I still hate her. Hate is the word because in my opinion she deserves it. Second chances are fine, but they are only called second for a reason.Well, maybe these weren't the things I really am bad at like singing or something, but they are all still a part of who I am.
Labels: Personality, things about me
Obviously in construction at the moment... or maybe forever because I'm lazy like this ;)
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