Le Me

Full-time Hibernating Bear

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Guilty Pleasures

Cats, Smiling Babies, Sleeping, Snacking and Procrastinating

Getting thrown into this environment made me come to this realization that the shyness never went away. I just forced it down a little. I don't talk to people, period. I'm extremely bad at keeping up a conversation with people I just meet so it's like you can totally expect an abrupt conversation end from me and then an awkward silence following. 

Yet, when I'm familiar with people, I go a little crazy. I tend to be crazy a lot with Rinny and dammit, I miss her. I talk shit loads when I'm with Nicole. Basically, if we click, I have a lot to say. It has come to the point that I keep so many things personal to me that no one knows what I really am. Sometimes I don't know what I really am. 

And I honestly believe that Rinny is the only one I actually know in real who knows my favorite band, my favorite member of the band, and even she doesn't know my favorite song. 

It's to the point that people around me don't know my favorite color, my favorite genre of songs, my past time, anything. Anything that anyone knows about me barely even skims the top. And I don't feel comfortable sharing about things like these to just anyone. Like my favorite band is something personal to me, like a guilty pleasure where I can seek joy from in my moment of solace. Or like how dancing makes me so much happier but before I came here, it was like my classmates barely even hears me say a word about dance. 

I keep so many things to myself. Even if someone ask, I might make up shit to answer them because I don't like to get judged for my choice. If I were not comfortable with the person asking I'd just give a socially acceptable answer instead. 

It was during class today that it struck me. I'm so bad at accepting praise. I just can't. Like if you leave me to do things, I'll work hard towards it. But if someone points it out to the entire class, I just grow flustered and mess up (which I did). It's not saying that I did not like it. I mean I do like the acknowledgment. I'm just horrible at giving an appropriate reply for it. 

And that's why, I sometimes doubt it when people give me praise. I rarely get them, and I stutter a thank you and glow with happiness for the entire day. But somewhere along the way, I start thinking "were they being sarcastic?", "did they mean it in another way?" And it overthink things to the point that I spoil it for myself. 

On a different note, how does one even know if they are depressed? Like mildly depressed but not extreme to the point that they would like to kill themselves. I was on yikyak and I asked that very same question. I got many replies, one of which was that there were self-assessment for depression so curious curious me went ahead a tried. Well, I felt like the questions were a little too obvious, but otherwise, I got "moderately depressed" for nearly all of them. One of them stated that it had similar symptoms to bipolar disorder so it might be that instead. 

Just the thought though. I never thought of myself as depressed (who knows, maybe I am but I refuse to accept that). I do have some funny thoughts like how I take every opportunity to tell myself "I'm amazing." Like I go grocery shopping alone and make it home safely, and I tell myself "I'm amazing." Or if I go do well in a quiz, I encourage myself the same way. I do have low self-esteem since I was a kid, so there's that, and in a way, telling myself that "I'm amazing" makes me believe it I guess? And I honestly feel like I inch towards optimism more and I have never thought any true depressing thoughts. Everyone has their uncertainty for the future, and for me, that is pretty much it. The only problem with me is that sometimes I laugh, and even I don't know if I'm laughing just as an act. 

Well, depressed or not, to me it is just a term. Because honestly, these feelings have been with me a long time. The low self-esteem, the extreme shyness and the introvert I am, they have been who I am since the start of time. 

When I was a kid, my mum even brought me to a psychologist because she felt like I cried too much (low self-esteem). So technically, I can say "I'm not crazy, my mum had me tested." 

(I really want to get a shirt that says that. Would be so cool kekeke)