I honestly always found negativity annoying in a sense. I don't mean that depressed people are annoying, no. I mean that people who do it for attention gets on my nerves. It isn't like I am just rainbows and butterflies, that just because I smile all day long and seem happy, that I don't have any negativity in me. I do. I just don't like to flaunt it. Maybe it is because of the old saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. And I don't like it when people bombard me with negativity, so I end up keeping everything to myself. I don't mind if people talk to me about their problems (I actually like listening to people, and I do feel honored to be the one who is allowed to hear their woes), I don't mind if people hits a wall. Everyone does. But it is when people act all self-centered and as if the whole world is about them that really gets me. Sometimes I really do want to help, and no matter what you say, the other is just not willing to listen. Telling me "You wouldn't understand" doesn't help. If you don't explain, how would I understand?
There are days that I spend thinking on my own and there are thoughts that comes to mind that are not at all good for my esteem. But I try not to let that get to me. So what if I think I'm not pretty? So what if I suck at communication? So what if I just can't seem to do good enough to those people I care for? So what? There are many other things I can name that I do well. I believe I am a good confidant. I believe that I have a good character. I believe that I am worth something to someone, and sometimes that's all I need. There are times the little things get to me like how even my mum wouldn't listen to me. She has this bad habit of talking and talking and talking but never listening. I have been getting really annoyed these past few months because I have repeat everything I tell her just about at least 5 times even though it was her who asked me in the first place (like why ask if you wouldn't listen?). I don't understand how a family can possibly not notice that I just chopped off like 4 inches of my hair without even going to a barber (yes, I chopped it off myself and it is visibly much shorter, but heck, no one really cares) It's not like I don't know my parents care for me. I know they do. But it is the little details that just makes me a little sad. Like how my mum would choose my brother over me, or how sometimes she treat his girlfriend better than she treats me. It's not an ''all the time'' kind of thing. She does treat me better than his girlfriend sometimes but it still gets to me when I see it happening. The fact that her secretary, her 2 partners, our housekeeper, all know my schedules better than her, should actually say something about how much she actually knows about me. And it gets to me because I freaking suck at communication and when I'm left alone without school, I find myself having no outlet to talk to. There are probably only 2 people who would even care if I spoke about these things to them, and even then I didn't keep proper contact with them either.
It's funny how I am nearing 19 and I honestly can't think of anyone I can really call my best friend apart from these 2 people. Maybe I had a best friend when I was in primary school, and that is why till now it is still my favorite period of time in my life. But things happen, people forget. I still text and call them for their birthday but I know that they probably don't even know mine without checking.
I have told myself time and again that "I like being alone" and I actually do believe it. I like being alone. I don't like getting bombarded with questions but at the same time I like it. I'm happier when I'm around people. Even if I don't know if I put on a smile for them, or for myself, it doesn't matter because I am still happier.
Yes, I suck at making friends. But I do think I make friends with relatively good people. And what does numbers mean when you have friendships that are deep? I just wish they could be here with me sometimes.
Well, enough of that. I'm ending my finals tomorrow and then I'll be pretty much free. I have to apply for my visa, and download tons of shows. I need to get back on reading and writing and post up the rest of my trip as well. Then, I'll have to start packing.
I feel like dyeing my hair midnight blue~
Labels: do you know who you are?, I never said it but I do appreciate your presence as much as I suck at responding to your msges, me, Personality, primary school, rant, things about me
Obviously in construction at the moment... or maybe forever because I'm lazy like this ;)
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