Le Me

Full-time Hibernating Bear

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Guilty Pleasures

Cats, Smiling Babies, Sleeping, Snacking and Procrastinating

I felt the need to write this down despite my long hiatus because I am being overwhelmed by emotions right now because of people around me. It isn't a bad thing I guess, but it isn't exactly good either. Maybe some part of me is broken instead, but I find it so hard to accept this thing called "love". I do not mean the romantic love, but simple love like friendship love or familial love, it feels uncomfortable for me to accept it all because I feel like I can't give it back to them. Am I capable of love? Probably, yes. But I can't reach up to their expectations of expressing said emotion because I can't even say those 3 works back to them. 

The reason why I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, is because everyone has been showering me with immense amounts of this love. Am I even deserving of it? I'm not very proud of who I have been the past two years or so because of the lack of satisfaction or ambition in myself, but constantly there are people just driving me on, loving me and showing my their love that I feel responsible to show them what I can do to prove their love was put in the right place. I'm going for holiday in a week, but I feel even more stressed out now than when I was working. 

Things started nearing the last day of my work last week. It's known between my colleagues and I that my boss likes me a lot compared to my other colleagues. She'll get snappy when they ask her questions, but with me she could joke around or rant to me about the higher bosses. Two days before my leaving the company, she gave me 2 packets of snacks and just that made me so touched because what have I done to receive this favor from her? On my last day of work, one of my colleague bought a slice of cake to share between us as a farewell gift for me, and my boss bought my a mug. The thing is, my boss never bought any one of the other temp staffs anything during their departure, but that special treatment to me just made me feel so blessed, so loved, so much that I didn't know what to do. I basically sat there with my palms over my cheeks because I felt so paiseh/bad that my boss had given me something when I haven't. But the true reason for my feeling bad over the gift, was because of the amount of love it showed in it. I felt so loved that I didn't know what to do. 

Today, I was talking to joe over Skype, and if you know, I don't handle compliments well either. Joe is someone who affirms me as a friend a lot. He constantly tells me that he appreciates me as a friend, and he would point out exactly what it is that he appreciates in me, and I just clamped up. I couldn't reply coherently because I didn't know what to say. But just like on my last day of work, I just felt so loved. Joe is someone really important to me. He is one of the few people I really call my close/best friends. I don't collect friends by the numbers and I only hold a few dear ones close to me, and joe is one of them. Even so, to hear how much he loves and appreciates me, makes my heart and brain go on overload. I never know how to respond to those kind of words of affirmation. 

Maybe something has been off about me lately, cause it can't be coincidence that my brother decides he wants to hang out and just love me today and I know I always push them away because I don't know how to say things back and I don't know how to express my feelings well and I don't know how to just say those words of affirmation to these people who matter to me. I can't. And I just feel like I'm such a hard person to love. Why love me? Why love someone who doesn't know how to love back? Shower me with love and suddenly it's like my brain is fried and I can't function. My heart has been beating faster with everytime I think of my boss and her gift, everytime since 4 days ago now. That can't be normal. That can't possibly be normal. 

It's the strangest feeling in the world. Wanting to be loved by the people around you and wanting to be acknowledged for your efforts, but at the same time not being able to handle all the emotions and feelings I get once it actually happens. Maybe I am broken inside somewhere afterall. But maybe... Maybe this is the healing process.