When No actually means (surprise surprise), No.
It gets to me a lot when people just don't understand the meaning of a simple 2-lettered word, NO. If you think this is relating to the previous post I have written about, it's not even that. It's simple things like"No, I don't want to go."
"No, I'm not giving you that."
"No, I don't mean that."
"No, I'm using that and I don't want to lend it to you."
Or when the context implies a "No" like
"Stop wasting my time, give it back to me."
"I refuse."
"I don't want to."
"Go ahead, do it on your own."
"Stop playing with that, it will damage it."
And people just carry on what we just refuse or they insist on their way hoping that a YES would come out of you. It's like people just can't respect your decision where you have already said no, and think that they can make the decisions for you. When I say No, I mean No. Saying it once, okay maybe you might have thought it was a joke. Saying it twice, is pushing the line. Saying it thrice is too much. Why is it that some people have to repeat the question or action so many times till someone snaps before they realize that : Oh, when they said "No," they actually meant (surprise surprise) NO!
And taking my stuff when I have obviously said no, I refuse? Not cool. I buy my own groceries. I try to draw the line very clear and pay for my own stuff. You don't just come over and take them all for free. When I say "no, go and buy your own", guess what I really mean? "No, go buy your own." Oh boy, that was such a tough question! No wonder you didn't get the answer. When I say "Stop wasting my time, just give it to me," I mean "Stop god damn wasting my time and give it back to me" not "Wait till I slam the door in your face before you finally realize that I'm not playing around, then maybe you can chase after me to give it back because yea, that SO makes it up for it."
It's just simple stuff like these that really annoys me and it doesn't happen just once but people just doesn't seem to get it. And it isn't even a huge thing. Referring it back to the previous post, people say NO, and it is because of these people who doesn't think No, means No, or choose to ignore that No, means No, that things like these happen and it just pisses me off to think about it.
Labels: no, rant, things I can't stand
He expects that I should be appreciative that he follows me around but it is stiffing me and I just want to be alone - and I have mentioned that more than 10 times or so. When I say I want to go alone, he scolds me for leaving him out of things. Like when I just want to go to the damn bookstore to study and he doesn't even appreciate books. Or when I join dance and have dance activities, and all he says is "why are you dancing so much?" and it's like - I don't mock you for playing card games, who are you to mock me for dancing? I don't mock you for going to the gym so who are you to stop me from going to dance - and all for what? For your satisfaction that I am rotting back at home doing nothing.
And the thing is, not even my parents know my schedule this tightly. If you ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, who knows - I fit my schedule as according to my mood. Growing up in an environment where my parents don't ask "How is school today?", and suddenly having to answer "How was your test today? How was dance tryouts today? What did you do today?" just isn't what I do (basically my parent's wouldn't even know there was a test, nor a tryout and they just don't ask. Sounds sad, yes, but I have grown up with this amount of freedom to do what I like to, and now having to answer to these questions feels like I'm answerable to things I do as a hobby.) The thing is if I claimed that I have nothing on tomorrow, and then I decide to go out after that, suddenly I'm the bad one because I claim to not be doing anything then.
I like to do things alone because I feel like I can do whatever I want to whenever I want to. Like yesterday, when we were supposed to go downtown, I had wanted to go alone, but he wanted to come along and because of that, I wasted like 2 hours just waiting for his class to end because my own class ended at 10am when his ends at 12pm. Or when we had to find something to eat and we couldn't decide because we had to take the other person into consideration.
And the thing is, not even my parents know my schedule this tightly. If you ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, who knows - I fit my schedule as according to my mood. Growing up in an environment where my parents don't ask "How is school today?", and suddenly having to answer "How was your test today? How was dance tryouts today? What did you do today?" just isn't what I do (basically my parent's wouldn't even know there was a test, nor a tryout and they just don't ask. Sounds sad, yes, but I have grown up with this amount of freedom to do what I like to, and now having to answer to these questions feels like I'm answerable to things I do as a hobby.) The thing is if I claimed that I have nothing on tomorrow, and then I decide to go out after that, suddenly I'm the bad one because I claim to not be doing anything then.
People have their own opinions and thinking, but I don't like it when people are so judgmental just because others don't do it 'their' way. This isn't the first time I called him out on being judgmental, and I doubt it's going to be the last either.
Labels: rant, things I can't stand
This whole "you are too young", "it is too dangerous", "you can't go out alone", "you have to listen to what I say" thing is going to drive me crazy. Literally.
I feel like I am getting judged for every single thing I do. I get judged for being in deep thought. I get judged for liking dance. I get judged for keeping quiet. I get judged for talking. I get judged for my personality and how I just like to be alone. I mean seriously. And this is why I'd rather be alone. I need my time to clear my head and just go for a damn walk around and take a trip down to the bookstore or something because I'm quite sure I am losing my head with all this restrictions put onto me in a country that has the so-called most freedom in the world. Well, guess what? Bullshit.
Labels: me, rant, things I can't stand
I miss dancing so much
I'm not going to make a long post today because it's getting late and I have early class tomorrow.
I haven't been able to sleep at night these days (I mean, what's new? I'm reverting to my own sleep cycle), but I was busy the entire day today with Japanese class starting at 9 am and I just came back from Contemporary dance class at 10pm.
Well, I have to admit, I have not been in the best moods lately because of reasons
1. Despite all the freedom America claims to have, I feel so controlled here.
What do I mean? For a freedom-loving person and a very independent individual, I can't stand being tied down. I absolutely can't have some escort or bodyguard following me 24/7. But America is not "safe" per se (or at least it isn't in comparison to Singapore). So, from the orientation, lecturers and professors, doctors and police, everyone is warning us not go out alone. But unfortunately, that is something I can't take. I have resigned to having Andrew follow me everywhere because I'm just not allowed to go out alone. I know he means well, but I feel so constricted and just like I have no space to breathe. I can't shop if I have friends with me, I can't do shit if I'm with people.
Suddenly I found myself in a totally new lifestyle where I'm not allowed to be independent (does that even make sense?)
America can have all the freedom of speech and freedom of rights they have but I have never felt this constricted and restricted before.
2. I had an argument with my roommate's friend from the first day I moved in.I was already in a bad mood before she texted me, that I would have to admit. But she was being really rude and demanding because she wanted to live with her friends (my roommates). But the thing was that she didn't even bother asking me, but instead went straight to demanding. She literally texted me, quote, "I need you to change apartmeny with me" (yes, she typoed)
Like there was no introduction to who she was, and why I have to change with her, nothing. She just asked if I was who she was looking for and demanded that I changed with her. She didn't even bother to email me earlier to mention she wanted a change (our emails were all shared to our roommates in the email when we received our addresses) and I had already moved all my stuff in. Not only that, I was on my way to Canada with my family but she just went right on demanding that I started to get really cheesed off by her attics.
I have mentioned this once, and I'll mention it again. I can't stand it when people just use vulgarities like it means nothing. I would not stoop to her level and act all barbaric. She had the guts to threaten me that her "cousin" (my roommate) was diabetic and if she had an attack, it would be my fault.
Well, guess what? Lies. All of them lies. Her "cousin" is not her "cousin" and her diabetes with medical equipment is also all a lie. She also said that they applied to stay together and the management made a mistake. Guess what. MORE LIES.
I may not have many connections, and I may not have many friends but I trust my friends and unfortunately for her, Andrew was right there when they were texting me. Well, congratulations. Even though I did not exactly know that all she said was lies, I rejected her and found out the truth the next day from Andrew.
All I can say is, I have never been more glad I rejected her. She doesn't even deserve to change with me.
Thank god my roommates (her friends) are okay people and they seem rather nice. I'm fine with them and we talk but we pretend the incident never happened.
After that whole argument, I started to thinking about it. Was it really right of me to do that? But thanks to my friends, every single person who I spoke to about this incident have been very supportive and it makes me a little relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
3. My mum is controlling me all around the globe.I guess this relates back to number 1. I can't stand being controlled. I really need my freedom. When I was in Singapore, my parents let me do whatever I want because I am close by. But now that I am far, my mum wants to keep me in check and stuff. I'm very good at one thing, and that is ignoring text messages. So, she decided to text Andrew instead. Like telling him to tell me to give him stuff. Or telling him to tell me to do stuff or even telling him to help me with stuff. Like, I understand that she is worried and all but I can handle my own stuff. Why must you tell him to tell me to give him stuff? I don't mean to be selfish, but that is my stuff. It's not even that. Telling him to do stuff for me, makes me uncomfortable. I don't know about you but I like to do my own stuff. If I have to build a bookshelf, well, I'd like to do it myself (the whole part of being independent). I bought hair dye, and she keeps asking me why I haven't dyed my hair. Well, I'm sorry I have been in school? And when I tell her stuff, she just refuses to listen. I'll explain more about that in one of my posts of my vacation.
But the purpose of this post isn't to complain.
The point of this whole thing is to say that I have found a sort of an outlet for me.
I have tried many things. I swear. I watched tv shows, I watched performances, I watched youtube videos, I tried to hang out with people (why did I even try? That just made me more upset), I tried to go to school events, I even bought crayons to just vent on something because trust me, I don't like being upset.
1. CyclingBefore my parents left, we got a bicycle from Walmart. I used that as an excuse to get away from people. I mean when I walk or take the shuttle to school with people, it is just expected that we talk or something. But with cycling, I have my little alone time and the breeze against my face is just an added bonus. I feel like I can finally do something on my own. Well, that and because Andrew doesn't have a bike so it means I can even get around places on my own. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but really, after all that constricted environment, it means a lot.
2. DancingI don't really know if it is a total coincidence that both are exercises (probably not) because I usually don't like to exercise. I have been wanting to dance for a very long time. I had quit Jazz (which I took for 2 years) and Ballet (which I have learnt for 10 years) because of my major exam at that time. The classes were really time consuming at that time because I had a very strict teacher. We would go to class 3 times a week and stay there for hours after we were done with school. I never really got back to dance after that. I did join 1 dance course in a community center but honestly, I did not even break a sweat in those and it just didn't feel like I accomplished anything.
I knew I had to get back into dance. I went to the club fairs in the orientation set on just joining dance (and I did apply, but I'm waiting for an email to come). Because emails were not coming (not even from the other clubs I joined), I got impatient, and added a course into my schedule.
ATH207, there, is an introductory class to beginning contemporary dance. I have wanted to learn contemporary for at least 4 years now. Even when I was doing ballet, I wanted to do contemporary. I felt it was more personal and emotional. So even though the class is relatively far from where I am staying, and not to mention at 8pm, I took it without much hesitation. I just came back from my first class and I do not regret a thing. I feel like I have let loose some of my stress just from dancing alone. I'm not a very good dancer per se, but having danced for 10 years would bring you somewhere even if you are not good to start with. I used to be non-committal towards dance. I was never as motivated as my other ballet classmates, but dance still means a lot to me. And it comes to me in all sorts of different manners sometimes.
3. JapaneseThis one really struck me halfway while I was typing. Jap classes and learning Jap in general. I get this sense of achievement when I can read a word, or when I remember how to write a character. It's like creating something out of nothing (in my mind), and that sense of achievement just makes me happy. It's similar to dance - creating something out of nothing. And even though I have to wake up early for my Japanese class, I still don't mind. It allows me to cycle to school alone (bonus!!) and it gives me more time alone after class too.
In conclusion, this woman here needs her freedom. If I lose my freedom, I am more than certain I will get moody, snappy and depressed. I just can't be told that I'm not allowed to go to the mall alone because it is dangerous. I understand that it may be dangerous but it's just how I have grown up till now. I have been going out on my own since I was 9 or 10. I would go out the house and buy snacks from the store 10 minutes away and walk around my house estate without a care in the world. Suddenly telling me that I need an escort and bodyguard like I am - what? - a 6 year old? Well, I just can't accept that.
Labels: buffalo, daily activities, dance, life, me, school, things about me, things I can't stand, USA
Couples
It was Hui Feng's 21st just last Friday, so we celebrated on Saturday so,
Happy birthday Hui Feng!
Not that you would read this anyway but still...
Anyway, I spent like half my time waiting for people to come. I was supposed to meet Sonia and Muzna at the mrt at 3pm. So I was there at 3.03pm and Muzna had already texted me earlier that she would go to the hotel on her own at 5pm. Sonia is pretty much always late, so I lingered around the malls for a while. I texted her when I was in the mrt, called her when I reached, called again half an hour later, all of which received no reply. I gave up on waiting after half an hour and when to the hotel directly instead. There, I waited in the lobby for another hour and a half, still calling once in a while but there was still no answer.
Angela and John came at about 5, so I went up with them instead. I didn't want to go up before because honestly I'm not what you would call the most sociable person around. I didn't want it to be absolutely awkward sitting there and stoning. Going with Angela and John, however, didn't really help much. On to that later. Anyway I went up and Hui Feng introduced us to one of her secondary school friend, I think her name was Phoebe? She was quite nice, and very very motherly LOL. It was almost like she was the host instead of Hui Feng. Hui Feng was really awkward. She's so damn cute. In a way, I'm quite similar to her in the sense that I don't like to host party because I would feel really awkward, and I would feel bad if I see a single person getting bored, or stoning in the corner or something. She was so scared that something would screw up, or that someone would be not happy or something so she was quite tense for the most part of the party.
It wasn't much longer that 1 of her french class friend came with her girlfriend. Varencia and Christa, if I'm not wrong. It was much less awkward when they were there cause they were quite funny and bubbly. We started eating stuff and watching the amazing spiderman. Angela and John... were in a world of their own so I decided to socialize on my own (I swear something about me that day just didn't want to keep silent). So I started talking to Varencia and Christa about the show and the awkward acting. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to A&J because I don't really know what they are doing on the bed behind me.
Sonia finally texted me that her grandpa was in hospital so she is not coming. A whole bunch of people came after that and surprisingly, I managed to get talking with quite a few of them. Muzna came, then Andrew and Anna came. Funnily, Andrew who is supposed to be the extrovert did not really interact with others while I'm the one talking to others instead. It was... a weird day hahaha.
Because of the party, I realize, there are like 4 types of couples.
The first extreme are couples like Angela and John. It is almost like they do everything in front of everyone. When we were looking for them for phototaking, they were hiding in the cabinet together (and none of us even had a sip of alcohol). They are like shouting out to the world that they are together, and they are touchy with each other even in front of everyone. Like there was only one king sized bed in the room, and they were getting all snuggly when all the rest of us were also sitting on the bed. Because it is only one bed, when anyone moves, everyone else can feel it so it gets a little awkward. This is the extreme that I really can't stand. Some things, I feel, should be kept for when the couple is alone.
The second type of couples are like my brother and his girlfriend. They are basically having a world of their own. When they are together, there is no one else that exists in the world. They don't interact with other people, and just play with each other. They practice more discretion around others but makes it known that they are together. I don't really like these type of couples as well, cause it completely makes people feel like a lightbulb (idk why but I always get called to hang out with such couples and it gets really awkward as well).
The third type are people who are together and makes it known but does not go to extreme measures to show it, like Varencia and Christa. I mean, they came in, introduced each other as girlfriends but they do not get all touchy or go into their own world. When I talked to them, they did not shun me away or ignore me. When they played games and Christa did not want to play, it doesn't stop Varencia from playing. They each have their own freedom and their own independence. I actually find these type of couples the best type because it doesn't feel awkward around them and if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't want to be stifled because of my partner. Everyone needs a bit of space and freedom to do what they like. It is impossible to find someone with a 100% fit. Some people likes certain genres of movies, others like certain types of games, etc. I wouldn't want to be forced to do things I don't like to do all the time just because a partner likes it.
The last type of couples are like Adelia and Andy (even though I don't know if they are still together). Very little people know of the relationship, and they keep the whole relationship a secret from others. I can't really comment on this since I don't really know how it goes. Some people prefer to keep it under covers so it is fine, but some people may feel like the other isn't proud to be in a relationship with them, and it may create some problems as well. I wouldn't mind a relationship kept under covers to be honest. The relationship is between the two, there isn't really the need for other people's approval. As long as they like each other, who is to say anything really? (even though the hypocrite in me is commenting on all of them, hahaha. But I'm not really talking about the approval, more on the appearance and thoughts towards the different types of couples)
Labels: a wild rinny has appeared!!, daily activities, happy birthday!, things I can't stand
Obviously in construction at the moment... or maybe forever because I'm lazy like this ;)
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