I miss dancing so much
I'm not going to make a long post today because it's getting late and I have early class tomorrow.
I haven't been able to sleep at night these days (I mean, what's new? I'm reverting to my own sleep cycle), but I was busy the entire day today with Japanese class starting at 9 am and I just came back from Contemporary dance class at 10pm.
Well, I have to admit, I have not been in the best moods lately because of reasons
1. Despite all the freedom America claims to have, I feel so controlled here.
What do I mean? For a freedom-loving person and a very independent individual, I can't stand being tied down. I absolutely can't have some escort or bodyguard following me 24/7. But America is not "safe" per se (or at least it isn't in comparison to Singapore). So, from the orientation, lecturers and professors, doctors and police, everyone is warning us not go out alone. But unfortunately, that is something I can't take. I have resigned to having Andrew follow me everywhere because I'm just not allowed to go out alone. I know he means well, but I feel so constricted and just like I have no space to breathe. I can't shop if I have friends with me, I can't do shit if I'm with people.
Suddenly I found myself in a totally new lifestyle where I'm not allowed to be independent (does that even make sense?)
America can have all the freedom of speech and freedom of rights they have but I have never felt this constricted and restricted before.
2. I had an argument with my roommate's friend from the first day I moved in.I was already in a bad mood before she texted me, that I would have to admit. But she was being really rude and demanding because she wanted to live with her friends (my roommates). But the thing was that she didn't even bother asking me, but instead went straight to demanding. She literally texted me, quote, "I need you to change apartmeny with me" (yes, she typoed)
Like there was no introduction to who she was, and why I have to change with her, nothing. She just asked if I was who she was looking for and demanded that I changed with her. She didn't even bother to email me earlier to mention she wanted a change (our emails were all shared to our roommates in the email when we received our addresses) and I had already moved all my stuff in. Not only that, I was on my way to Canada with my family but she just went right on demanding that I started to get really cheesed off by her attics.
I have mentioned this once, and I'll mention it again. I can't stand it when people just use vulgarities like it means nothing. I would not stoop to her level and act all barbaric. She had the guts to threaten me that her "cousin" (my roommate) was diabetic and if she had an attack, it would be my fault.
Well, guess what? Lies. All of them lies. Her "cousin" is not her "cousin" and her diabetes with medical equipment is also all a lie. She also said that they applied to stay together and the management made a mistake. Guess what. MORE LIES.
I may not have many connections, and I may not have many friends but I trust my friends and unfortunately for her, Andrew was right there when they were texting me. Well, congratulations. Even though I did not exactly know that all she said was lies, I rejected her and found out the truth the next day from Andrew.
All I can say is, I have never been more glad I rejected her. She doesn't even deserve to change with me.
Thank god my roommates (her friends) are okay people and they seem rather nice. I'm fine with them and we talk but we pretend the incident never happened.
After that whole argument, I started to thinking about it. Was it really right of me to do that? But thanks to my friends, every single person who I spoke to about this incident have been very supportive and it makes me a little relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
3. My mum is controlling me all around the globe.I guess this relates back to number 1. I can't stand being controlled. I really need my freedom. When I was in Singapore, my parents let me do whatever I want because I am close by. But now that I am far, my mum wants to keep me in check and stuff. I'm very good at one thing, and that is ignoring text messages. So, she decided to text Andrew instead. Like telling him to tell me to give him stuff. Or telling him to tell me to do stuff or even telling him to help me with stuff. Like, I understand that she is worried and all but I can handle my own stuff. Why must you tell him to tell me to give him stuff? I don't mean to be selfish, but that is my stuff. It's not even that. Telling him to do stuff for me, makes me uncomfortable. I don't know about you but I like to do my own stuff. If I have to build a bookshelf, well, I'd like to do it myself (the whole part of being independent). I bought hair dye, and she keeps asking me why I haven't dyed my hair. Well, I'm sorry I have been in school? And when I tell her stuff, she just refuses to listen. I'll explain more about that in one of my posts of my vacation.
But the purpose of this post isn't to complain.
The point of this whole thing is to say that I have found a sort of an outlet for me.
I have tried many things. I swear. I watched tv shows, I watched performances, I watched youtube videos, I tried to hang out with people (why did I even try? That just made me more upset), I tried to go to school events, I even bought crayons to just vent on something because trust me, I don't like being upset.
1. CyclingBefore my parents left, we got a bicycle from Walmart. I used that as an excuse to get away from people. I mean when I walk or take the shuttle to school with people, it is just expected that we talk or something. But with cycling, I have my little alone time and the breeze against my face is just an added bonus. I feel like I can finally do something on my own. Well, that and because Andrew doesn't have a bike so it means I can even get around places on my own. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but really, after all that constricted environment, it means a lot.
2. DancingI don't really know if it is a total coincidence that both are exercises (probably not) because I usually don't like to exercise. I have been wanting to dance for a very long time. I had quit Jazz (which I took for 2 years) and Ballet (which I have learnt for 10 years) because of my major exam at that time. The classes were really time consuming at that time because I had a very strict teacher. We would go to class 3 times a week and stay there for hours after we were done with school. I never really got back to dance after that. I did join 1 dance course in a community center but honestly, I did not even break a sweat in those and it just didn't feel like I accomplished anything.
I knew I had to get back into dance. I went to the club fairs in the orientation set on just joining dance (and I did apply, but I'm waiting for an email to come). Because emails were not coming (not even from the other clubs I joined), I got impatient, and added a course into my schedule.
ATH207, there, is an introductory class to beginning contemporary dance. I have wanted to learn contemporary for at least 4 years now. Even when I was doing ballet, I wanted to do contemporary. I felt it was more personal and emotional. So even though the class is relatively far from where I am staying, and not to mention at 8pm, I took it without much hesitation. I just came back from my first class and I do not regret a thing. I feel like I have let loose some of my stress just from dancing alone. I'm not a very good dancer per se, but having danced for 10 years would bring you somewhere even if you are not good to start with. I used to be non-committal towards dance. I was never as motivated as my other ballet classmates, but dance still means a lot to me. And it comes to me in all sorts of different manners sometimes.
3. JapaneseThis one really struck me halfway while I was typing. Jap classes and learning Jap in general. I get this sense of achievement when I can read a word, or when I remember how to write a character. It's like creating something out of nothing (in my mind), and that sense of achievement just makes me happy. It's similar to dance - creating something out of nothing. And even though I have to wake up early for my Japanese class, I still don't mind. It allows me to cycle to school alone (bonus!!) and it gives me more time alone after class too.
In conclusion, this woman here needs her freedom. If I lose my freedom, I am more than certain I will get moody, snappy and depressed. I just can't be told that I'm not allowed to go to the mall alone because it is dangerous. I understand that it may be dangerous but it's just how I have grown up till now. I have been going out on my own since I was 9 or 10. I would go out the house and buy snacks from the store 10 minutes away and walk around my house estate without a care in the world. Suddenly telling me that I need an escort and bodyguard like I am - what? - a 6 year old? Well, I just can't accept that.
Labels: buffalo, daily activities, dance, life, me, school, things about me, things I can't stand, USA
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