Too Much Love
If you've known me for sometime, and have attempted to say 3 special words to me, you'll realize that I do not feel comfortable saying them back to you - or anyone else for that matter of fact. Those words being: I love you. I felt the need to write this down despite my long hiatus because I am being overwhelmed by emotions right now because of people around me. It isn't a bad thing I guess, but it isn't exactly good either. Maybe some part of me is broken instead, but I find it so hard to accept this thing called "love". I do not mean the romantic love, but simple love like friendship love or familial love, it feels uncomfortable for me to accept it all because I feel like I can't give it back to them. Am I capable of love? Probably, yes. But I can't reach up to their expectations of expressing said emotion because I can't even say those 3 works back to them.
The reason why I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, is because everyone has been showering me with immense amounts of this love. Am I even deserving of it? I'm not very proud of who I have been the past two years or so because of the lack of satisfaction or ambition in myself, but constantly there are people just driving me on, loving me and showing my their love that I feel responsible to show them what I can do to prove their love was put in the right place. I'm going for holiday in a week, but I feel even more stressed out now than when I was working.
Things started nearing the last day of my work last week. It's known between my colleagues and I that my boss likes me a lot compared to my other colleagues. She'll get snappy when they ask her questions, but with me she could joke around or rant to me about the higher bosses. Two days before my leaving the company, she gave me 2 packets of snacks and just that made me so touched because what have I done to receive this favor from her? On my last day of work, one of my colleague bought a slice of cake to share between us as a farewell gift for me, and my boss bought my a mug. The thing is, my boss never bought any one of the other temp staffs anything during their departure, but that special treatment to me just made me feel so blessed, so loved, so much that I didn't know what to do. I basically sat there with my palms over my cheeks because I felt so paiseh/bad that my boss had given me something when I haven't. But the true reason for my feeling bad over the gift, was because of the amount of love it showed in it. I felt so loved that I didn't know what to do.
Today, I was talking to joe over Skype, and if you know, I don't handle compliments well either. Joe is someone who affirms me as a friend a lot. He constantly tells me that he appreciates me as a friend, and he would point out exactly what it is that he appreciates in me, and I just clamped up. I couldn't reply coherently because I didn't know what to say. But just like on my last day of work, I just felt so loved. Joe is someone really important to me. He is one of the few people I really call my close/best friends. I don't collect friends by the numbers and I only hold a few dear ones close to me, and joe is one of them. Even so, to hear how much he loves and appreciates me, makes my heart and brain go on overload. I never know how to respond to those kind of words of affirmation.
Maybe something has been off about me lately, cause it can't be coincidence that my brother decides he wants to hang out and just love me today and I know I always push them away because I don't know how to say things back and I don't know how to express my feelings well and I don't know how to just say those words of affirmation to these people who matter to me. I can't. And I just feel like I'm such a hard person to love. Why love me? Why love someone who doesn't know how to love back? Shower me with love and suddenly it's like my brain is fried and I can't function. My heart has been beating faster with everytime I think of my boss and her gift, everytime since 4 days ago now. That can't be normal. That can't possibly be normal.
It's the strangest feeling in the world. Wanting to be loved by the people around you and wanting to be acknowledged for your efforts, but at the same time not being able to handle all the emotions and feelings I get once it actually happens. Maybe I am broken inside somewhere afterall. But maybe... Maybe this is the healing process.
Labels: daily life, love, me, things about me
Recent happenings
Well, it's going to take me awhile to get back to what I have been blogging about prior to my sudden disappearance, so I'm going to start with the recent things. First things first, Happy Lunar New Year everyone! 新年快乐！
This year's Chinese New Year feels so early so I can't really get into the mood of it all. Nonetheless, I went to Chinatown to take some pictures the previous Saturday with a photography group. My previous camera was damaged, and I had to go to Canon Customer Care Centre to try and get it repaired (I ended up getting a new one), and one of the staff made friends with me and invited me out on the outing to learn stuff and just take pictures. It was really crowded there, so I wasn't exactly very satisfied with the pictures I got, but I did learn quite a bit. I also did my first long exposure taking.
I felt that this year's New Year decorations were kind of lacking. There wasn't as much colors or anything to be honest.
I'm still playing around with my own style of pictures. I used to do really vibrant colors and bright saturation, but I'm trying to tone it down a little now - yes even when all these are so colorful.
I also started a photo-based tumblr, where I just post the pictures rather than blog about them. I don't know how long I can keep up with that, but I have more than enough content to keep it running for now, and I just add in the queue when I have more time. I post 2 pictures a day as of the current queue. It is easier to keep up with that since I don't need to type out everything I'm doing, so I'll probably be more active there.
Anyways, I went out again the next day for more photo-taking; this time in Clarke Quay. I wanted to play around more with long exposures now that I actually know how, so that was what I did.
I have also been planning for another trip to Korea, and Japan in May. Because of that, I decided to get a short term job to finance this trip. I went for a job interview on Friday, and managed to get an administrative job that is pretty accessible. I was really hoping to get this position because the pay was relatively good and it was what I wanted to do. They have occasional events, which I have decided is what I want to do in the future - events planning I mean. Sure, the job scope I am appointed right now isn't exactly that, but I'm hoping to learn some stuff there. Plus, with a short term job, I can't be complaining. I'm just glad I even got the job especially with the coming bad times right now.
I haven't downloaded my Chinese New Year pictures just yet, but this year has been rather mellow. I feel like I didn't do much compared to other years? Feels a little strange. I'm going to be going to the recruitment agent tomorrow morning to sign my contract. That's all for now, hopefully I can find the momentum to continue blogging again. Till next time, ciaos.
Labels: daily activities, daily life, Pictures
Hi I'm Back
So, after half a year, I decided to blog again because I'm trash like that.I'll work on putting up an entry after this post, so this is just a heads up!
Rules
So, I'd be having one of what you would call, a bad day. It wasn't supposed to be a bad day. I was supposed to be let's meet up with friends and have fun day but fate wasn't letting me have it. It has been nagging on my mind the whole day and I just really dislike it that when something bad happens, I can't simply reset myself and tell myself not to ruin the rest of the day.I was supposed to have dance class at 1 - 3 today and my school has a very stupid system in the South Campus whereby I have to swipe my student id card to get into the building. The thing is, I lost my ub card quite a while back, so when I was supposed to go to dance this semester, I told the person working there very specifically that I lost my card, and I asked if there was any way around it - such as any other identification I can show. That was in February and the person working there then told me, yes I could get my id from the school website and they can record the number of my pass and let me in. So I was like, good, I don't have to pay money to replace the card. Since February, I have been using my mobile id to get into the building with no problems at all. There was an instance where my phone ran out of battery and I didn't have my mobile id, and the person working there told me that it was alright to use an out-of-school id to enter the building only once a month. Crystal clear, I agreed to it and those rules.
Last week, I lost my phone cable and I didn't have battery on my phone again, so I used my once-a-month grace non-student id to get into the building. Today, I had my phone and for some unspeakable reason suddenly the person working there tells me that it is not acceptable to use my mobile id (this is not the same person who told me the rules all the way back in February), and since I already used my grace of the month, I was not allowed into the building.
So I started arguing (respectfully) with her that this was not what I was told, and tried to ask her to let me in just on the account that I was told the wrong rules according to her. I gave her many valid reasons like the fact that I have been entering the building all semester without a problem when I showed my mobile id, and that I'd be back next week so I would get the card replaced by then but she was relentless. At that point I have argued with her for a whole 20 minutes and when she finally decided not to even argue with me ad stood firm on the idea of not letting me in, I decided there was no way I could get past her and so I decided to go through the back door by asking one of my dance mates to open it for me.
Yea, so she saw me on the camera, called me out of the room and we argued for another 20 minutes. I'll admit that sneaking in through the backdoor was my fault and is against the rules but honestly between 1, not being able to get in through the front door, or 2, taking my chances of not being caught through the backdoor, the latter actually has a chance that I can be in the building while the first has none whatsoever.
I just don't understand why the rules have to be so stupid because she obviously knows I am a student. The mobile id proofs that I am a student. She knows I can't run any where because I still have class there the following week. Like I would still have to get the card replaced by then anyway what's the difference? And the fact that the different staff tell me different rules, like could she not have given me the grace to go through just for today? Rules will be rules, but to work you have to be flexible.
I once went to Wegmans and I was short on cash because I just changed my atm card and the card wasn't working. Instead of insisting that I take some stuff out, the staff there helped me find a few small change of tens of cent to help me patch up for what I lacked. Was it proper? Could she have just told me that Rules are Rules and just no? Sure, she could. But she didn't and that made my entire day. I was so grateful to her for that. But this is like, I'm a paying student of the school and I have proper evidence that I am a student of the school but no rules are rules and you are not allowed into the building even though technically you paid for it. I just don't understand? Like what's the point of being so strict on it? It's not like I'm some kind of terrorist that is going to bomb up the place or something.
I don't exactly blame the lady working there, she did her best to remain respectful as I did and I do appreciate that but sometimes people have got to question why rules are there instead of telling me rules are rules. I even asked her if she knows I am a student and she said yes, but I still can't let you in.
What makes me even more mad is that when I am mad, when I am frustrated and especially when I argue with any person at all, I tend to cry. It makes me feel even worse because I don't want to use my tears as an excuse of any sort to win a battle. I feel like its pathetic and short-handed in a manner but for some reason I just can't stop it.
I had the whole evening spent with Tomomie-san as was planned but I just felt like nothing would take my mind away from what happened earlier in the day and I really hate it when a single small thing like this just ruins my mood for the entire day.
The Good Things
So, I know I have been very negative about my whole stay here but really there are some good sides to it. So today, I'll talk about those,People here are very willing to give compliments. I'm still not used to it myself in the sense that I do not give out compliments as easily as others do but I try. People will tell you that they like you clothes, they like your hair, they like your shoes, they like whatever. They tell you good job on things, they tell you things like that that make your day. I was uncomfortable with accepting the compliments at first, but now I just say thank you. Usually people pay another compliment back in return... I'm still working on that. It was when I was thinking about Singapore when I realized this. We don't pay others compliments a lot in Singapore. I guess we have a different mentality that we should push them harder, but sometimes these compliments really helps to boost your confidence in working on something.
People are really open in talking to you. I once said a long time again that when I was in Singapore, it took me an entire year to start making friends in Singapore under the same University program. I am that hard of a person to make friends with if not added by the fact that I do not respond to messages and stuff. Here, because everyone talks to literally everyone, it makes it easier to make friends. As much as I am only here for such a short time, I have made many friends here. It came as a silver lining that I fell out with my Singaporean friend because I started to open my network. Many Singaporeans come here and they stick to their own circle of friends and don't open out to the other cultures that are available in this campus. Because I wasn't close to any Singaporeans, I had that chance. I've made friends from Malaysia, from Japan, from Korea, from China, from Russia, from US itself, and this is coming for someone who is like potentially an anti-social (no, I'm just too awkward to make friends and open up about myself).
People are willing to give you a ride if it is on the way. I mean the cars here come way cheaper than the ones in Singapore. You can literally buy a car for US$1500 but people are way more willing to car pool here than in Singapore. Okay, maybe that is part of the reason because if you have a car in Singapore it pretty much means you are at least moderately wealthy and you're scared of getting robbed, but it's really easy to carpool here. I once had this lady who saw me carrying bags of groceries back home and she gave me a ride back. I didn't even know her. I don't know her name. All she introduced herself as was that she worked in UB and would be willing to show me her card if it would make me feel safer to get a ride.
In a way, I guess these are the things that I would miss when I leave this place. That, and the Mexican food here.
Labels: appreciation, buffalo, school, the good things, USA
Sex and Abuse
In light of my previous entry, and the upcoming movie hitting the theaters here on Valentines Day, 50 shades of grey, I'm once again, going on the whole topic of sex. Yea, I know that you're probably getting tired of it right now, but it just happened that my school published an entire campus newpaper on the topic itself which you can read right here.
To start off, the system here believes entirely on educating people to its fullest. I know this sounds kinda obvious maybe, but it isn't something that happens in Asia. We keep the conversation to families mostly. Like literally, the only talks I have heard from school is about menstruation, and we were separated from the guys so who even knows what they were talked about. I can't say for sure which way is better - to educate or leave it to their own curiosity. But I can only say sex here happens way more than it does in Asia. The whole premarital sex stigma exists more from where I am than it does here. People generally don't care if you are a virgin as long as you have some respect to keep it faithful, and just not "be a slut". But the weirdest thing that happens here is that if you ever say you never had sex before, they literally go "really?" It is like the weirdest thing to fathom for them. I literally have people asking me you've never kissed anyone before? You've never dated before? What?! How can that be?! For those who wonder what other responses I usually get back home, it usually goes like: "Don't worry, just focus on your studies now.","Dating's nothing much really. If the right guy comes along, then he comes; if not then who cares." or even "YEHHH, SINGLES FOREVER, *high fives*.
I know this whole issue of sex in my campus right now is due to the 50 shades of grey coming up soon. Let me make it clear that I haven't read all the articles in here, nor have I read 50 shades of grey but this was just disturbing not only for me, but for a fellow American student as well.
I mean this is, although it is college, still a campus. I entered college early but I was 16 when I started. If we go with the normal, 17 year olds and 18 year olds are here as freshmen and these newspaper are printed on bulk and left all over campus. I may be an exception to this, but I can honestly say that this is the first time I have seen images like this despite how much I read sex scenes, etc. (well, considering that I read them in literal words). I have no specific point in this post really; I'm just wondering how appropriate this is? All I can say is, I'm not the only one flustered about this issue. I spoke to 2 other girls from my dance club and both were so confused with why this paper was even published. I mean in a way it is a good thing that it was published. I can bet that this is their most popular issue in a long while, and it is informative in some ways, but was it appropriate? And again, it makes a lot of sense when you see the stats of it published in the same paper.
I mean... 6% had sex from 12-14??? I'm confused??? Like what??? You were just a kid then??? and then 38% from 15-17. That in itself is more than those who never had intercourse. I used to think that people are virgins until they say otherwise, but now I'm starting to think that more people than I knew of probably sitting next to me in class or something, are not. Like I said, I have no point in this, just sharing information and general thoughts (mortification, really) on how sexually active people are and from what a young age even.
Another thing I just want to briefly touch on, is the whole 50 shades of grey fiasco.
I read a lot. I read a lot more fan fiction - which was what 50 shades started off as. And I am here to say that I did try to read 50 shades just to see what everyone was talking about. I read one chapter and I was bored out of my mind, and just never touched it again. Thankfully, I was reading it as a free ebook so I didn't spend a cent on it. But from what I read online about the book, I don't support it at all. Not only are there so many other books (with sex) that deserves this recognition that 50 shades is getting, it is just not morally right.
So I have said that I don't watch porn but I do read a lot of sex scenes both in published books and in fanfiction. In fact, I'm going to come out and say that I usually skip normal sex scenes but not BDSM scenes. Maybe it makes more sense to me since it isn't all about the sex itself but more of the build up of the tension and everything. So really, I'm more for BDSM than sex itself. But reading these quotes make me sick to the gut. I really need to read the book to its end (no matter how boring it is) to really set a full opinion of my own on the book but from these quotes itself, it spells abuse and not BDSM.
And I'm just going to say, these quotes from the book does not say BDSM, it's rape in an abusive relationship. From what I read from these, it's like he doesn't care about how she feels and just wants his own pleasure. He is threatening her, pushing her into fearing him, and just simply telling her that she can never get away from him. I can't say much about it since I have not read the entire book really, but I have read books and fanfics of BDSM that does not involve threatening someone and in fact of mutual trust and respect. The girl doesn't even trust the guy. He is demeaning her and making her feel stupid.
Well, that is all I have to say about this for now. Hopefully this topic wouldn't come up for a while now. Ciaos, till next time. Stay safe, folks
Labels: buffalo, nsfw, rant, sex, tw: rape, USA
Rape culture in the US
This post has taken me a really long time and constant contemplation on whether or not I should actually post it. It is something very personal and very disturbing to me. I have mentioned this before but these incidents have only reminded me more of it. It has only emphasized the problem with this country and its mindset. On the surface, it seems like everything is okay, as if pretty much anyone is kinda nice. Okay, I'm the type of person to regard anyone I meet to be nice until proven otherwise. So when I do meet people, I genuinely believe they are nice people. So when people - guys in this point in case - talk to me, I honestly believe that they just want to make friends with pure intentions. Call me naive and innocent, but I really think that way. So when I came to the horrible realization that people here aren't like that, I can't say I know how to react to it. In fact, I reacted horribly to it. I would have been raped in all honesty if the guys in question didn't have just a little respect for the female kind. And to think that this is something that occurs here on a normal basis just makes me sick to the gut. It reminds me all over again how the first time I came to US, I knew I never wanted to come back. I was a 6 year old kid then, but even then, I had a distaste for this country.
Having travelled to sin city and Los Angeles, I thought that I would have seen the worst of it. When I left Los Angeles for Chicago, I thought that hey, it wasn't that bad. Maybe in part was that I was living with a gay guy in Los Angeles and a couple in Vegas. I didn't know an ounce of knowledge about Chicago and I went in blind. The only reason I was even there was to meet Rinny. I was running low on cash since this is my last destination and so I stayed in the cheapest option I had. Honestly, the place was worth it. I paid literally $12 per night and they provided food and the place was well heated, the owner even drive me to the train station. The place was clean and everything was good. You could even say that it was like a community of family right there.
Apparently what you see here isn't everything. The first guy I met was probably genuinely nice. He helped me with my bags, and we talked a little on what we did and he offered me instant Mac and cheese. The second guy I met, seemed to a kinda nice guy at first. Let's call him guy B. So guy B offered me pasta as well and I was really hungry because I had run out of cash as I had mentioned before so I had been buying only the minimum the past few days. So, I accepted. At this point in time, I was literally in the house for less than 15 minutes. So I thought: hey, people are really nice here. There were leftovers in the pot and he asked me if I wanted more before he kept the pasta, and I said I'll finish what I have before I see if I want to have more. It doesn't seem like a very important detail at that point but at this he said, "she's feisty, I like it." I laughed it off thinking it was just an offhand comment. At some point in between all that I started to realize how it all seemed like. I was literally talking to two guys at the same time and I wasn't the only girl around mind you. I didn't give much thought to it. I have always gotten along better with the guys than the females.
But after awhile, the first guy left and I started talking to this girl from Romania. She was really funny and she told me about some of her interesting life stories. We talked for quite awhile while we were eating. Eventually, we were done and I went to the common area and she went to bed. This was probably where all it went down.
At first, I kinda kept to myself as I always did. I was using my laptop and just sitting around, away from anyone. I'm so bad at socializing and shit so I decided to have some alone time especially since I needed to make a call to Rinny to get our plans made. For a long time, I was just doing my own stuff. Then I went to get changed for bed because I knew I had to get up early the next morning. The route to the bathroom involved getting through the other common area where guy B and a third guy, Guy C were sitting and chatting.
I got changed and when I went back, Guy C just told me that if I wanted to sleep, I should let them know so they'd keep it down. I was staying in the main area because I requested to not climb too many steps since my luggage at this point is about 30kg. I told them it was fine, because I feel bad having to tell them so. It wasn't even that late then. So instead, I sat with them and started to chat as well. I was sitting next to guy C and opposite guy B. For dynamics sake, guy C was black and guy B was a white. When I sleep, I wear a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt.
One of the first thing guy B said here was "you're a bossy kind of person aren't you?" I didn't know where that came from. The only thing I can think of was the whole pasta thing. I responded with an "idk". Now that I think about it though, he was probably going for the whole bad boy image. We talked about Singapore. And how it is like. Somehow, we ended up saying we want to take over the countries and rule the world. Yea silly stuff but it was kinda interesting I guess. To be very honest, I wasn't very into it. I zoned out for a bit here and there enough to still remain kinda respectful. The night ended uneventfully apart from that fact that we had plans to rule the world and conquer Singapore. Everything was still in good fun.
Day 2, I went out with Rinny. I returned back a little upset because of how the day went. Things were kinda rocky that day. So I returned back, I ate a little, and I went back to the same common area where B was sitting. We talked about work instead this time. He was working on designing logos and websites so we just looked at websites together. Harmless. At some point between all that, a guy from Los Angeles called me.
Okay, hear this, I'm an idiot. I gave my number to this guy in LA simply because I was rushing for a bus that I didn't want to miss. He stopped me to ask for the time and promptly asked for my number. I should have disputed him, should be refused. But because I didn't want to miss the bus, I realized that instead of arguing, I'll just give it to him. Which was exactly what I did. So on this day, he called me and I picked up the phone kinda awkward and all. After that, I told guy B the story of how I stupidly have my number away. Apparently that was stupid move number 2. He used that to get my number. At that point I thought there was no harm since he seemed kinda nice. So I gave it to him. Yes I do realize this may be like common knowledge to people living here but I don't get hit on like this in a normal basis. This was all new to me. And for someone who is majorly awkward and shy, I try to appease people, try to avoid awkward situations.
That night, I was getting ready for bed, guy B was drinking beer. Maybe it was the beer that made him more courageous. He came up to me in my bed where I was really thinking to just go to sleep, and asked me to watch a movie. Earlier in the night he asked me what my favorite movie was. I don't have one to be honest, but I like Disney movies, so I just thought of the one I liked the most and told him I liked princess and the frog. Now, imagine this, it's princess and the frog. It's a totally harmless children's movie. We didn't watch the movie at all. My computer was running, yes, but all he cares about was kissing me. I swear, one day I'll just stop watching movies with guys alone ever again. They use movies as an excuse for everything.
And you know what's the worst thing? I couldn't say no. I mean yes, I say no to kissing him myself. But I can't say no to him kissing me. Why? I can't explain it myself. It's probably because all my life I have been taught to service my brother, help this person, appease that person, and I find myself vulnerable to all these predators that I never faced before. I let him kiss me. Just this trip alone, in just this one month or so, 4 guys kissed me - and I have only been to a club once. This whole notion is just ridiculous, okay. It gets me so mad. And I'm mad at myself for not being able to say no. I'm mad at myself for not handling the situation better. But I know that at the end of the day, it's more their fault than it is mine.
It would have been better if it actually stopped at kissing. It did not. He climbed into my bed and idek what we did exactly. He kissed me. He grinded against me, he spooned me, and I tried to avoid him as politely as I can. That's the problem with me, you know. That I'm still trying to be polite at this point in time. I still did not want to offend him. I finally managed to send him back to his own bed when the morning came. I must say, I was very lucky to have gotten off this lightly. Unfortunately, this isn't the end of it.
Day 3, I stayed in. I watched criminal minds, I avoided him. It was hella awkward. We did not talk at all that day. That night, he came back drunk again. The place were I stay at have rules that we can't do no hanky panky around. And this one guy walked on us more than once because like I said, I was living on the ground floor and basically open to anyone walking in on us. This guy knew something was up. He tried to stop guy B but there was only so much he could do. I was sleeping when B came back. I woke up because he was drunk and loud. He walked to my bed and sat on the floor beside it and we talked for abit before he climbed in my bed again. The same thing happened. He kissed me, tried to get me to kiss him. Except this time he went further. He wanted me to take off my shorts. And I told him no. No, it's not going to happen. More kissing, more grinding, more everything, he finally gave me another option. Either I take off my sweatshirt or I take off my shorts. I said no. It's never going to happen. And you know what he says?
"I won't take no for an answer."
I feel like this is the whole issue. There are males here that just wants to control woman. They want everything to go their way. He literally told me "I want what I want and I will win." Literally. I repeatedly tell him that it's never going to happen, that I'm not going to do it. He keeps insisting, keeps saying he will get what he wants. He gives me option three to kiss him. And still I say no. I feel like that is literally the only thing I did right - to say no. There were so many other things I should have said no to but I didn't. The only things I am actually proud of, is me saying to no to him. Honestly.
Things get worse. It's his second day in my bed. He wants to get laid. He wants something. He wants to feel the accomplishment of conquering another woman. He tells me if he doesn't do anything, he feels like he has accomplished anything. And when I keep refusing to do anything at all, what happens? He takes off his pants that's what happens.
Honest to god he removes his pants. I have absolutely no experience in this I swear and it scared me so much. I thought it was his hand at first and then when I realized it was not, I was so damn disgusted. I mean look, how long have I even known him man. I just. I can't even comprehend it. It really scares the shit out of me. Eventually, after a whole lot of avoiding, I managed to escape my own bed when someone woke up and came to the common room. It was morning mind you and that finally got him to put his damn pants back on. I'm not going to go into details. Thinking about it really makes me sick.
After that, we ended up sitting on another couch. Just talking. I wish. He says things like "I know you like it too." "I bet you're always horny." "I want to watch you orgasm." Things like that. Idk how many people actually know this about me, but I don't see any need to be ashamed of it. If I had to choose a sexual orientation, I'll say that Asexual is my closest bet. I want nothing to do with sex. I don't look at appearances and go all googoo eyed. I don't have eye candies. I don't watch porn. Maybe you can say I'm too young and naive. Maybe that's true. Who knows? I'm trying to find myself as well, I'm still learning and exploring myself. But that doesn't change the fact that right this moment, I want to have nothing in relation to sexual activities. At all.
How much ego does it constitute that so many guys think that they are always right? They are so sure of what they are saying. I mean he thought I was into rough sex and that's why I was resisting him. Seriously.
Towards the end, because I kept telling him to go to bed, he said that if he is going, we weren't going to talk the next day. I have no idea how sober he is at this point and idk if he even remembers it. He tells me to say "B, please leave me alone."
And for some reason, I couldn't. I don't know why but I just couldn't. I know I should, I know I must, but the words just doesn't leave my lips. In part, it was because he was commanding me to do just that. I don't like to be controlled so some part in my mind was asking "who is he to tell me what to say and do?". In part, it was because it felt too personal. I mean I finally managed to squeeze out the words "please leave me alone" but he wanted me to say his name in front of the sentence and it just felt way too personal, like I actually regarded him as someone. And I found that I couldn't do it. I believe there are more reasons lying in my subconscious but I myself don't know the reason why I just couldn't utter the words out. I kept silent. I sealed my lips tight. Maybe it's part of the whole shy and introverted nature. There were millions of things running through my head but I couldn't voice a single one of them. I run the same sentence in my head over and over again. I ask myself why can't I say it? I tell myself say it say it say it. Say it and it'll all be over. What's wrong with you? Just say it! But I just couldn't do it. I was so quiet that he said, "I know you speak English, you can't pretend that you don't know how to speak English." (Not that I was pretending to)
Then he started to threaten me, saying that he'd rape me if need be. I didn't really believe him. I mean if he really wanted to, it'd have happened long ago. I know that he still has a little sense to know not to do that. But to have him carry me back to the bed trying to force himself on me because he thinks I'm into that rough sex, I'm just so... I can't even find the right word for it. It's not even disgust. I just felt so dumb. Why couldn't I say anything. And the worst thing? While he was trying to do that, I still didn't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone. Between my struggles of him trying to pull my pants off, I had the perfect opportunity to just kick him in the head. Hard. I did taekwondo till I was a poom (junior black) belt and only stopped because I was too young to get a black. I know what I'm doing, I can honestly give him a hard kick and that's it. I could. But I didn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone. And right now idek if that was the right thing to do. Again, I was lucky. Someone came out of their room. He stopped. I jumped out of the bed. I didn't care if anyone sees that I wasn't the only one on the bed. I just took the opportunity to escape. And that's when I learned.
You know how it is said that guys biggest fear is a girl's tears? Apparently that must have been at least somewhat true. I didn't go full out crying. I surprised even me on that. I didn't even cry for 3 minutes tbh. All he saw was like a single tear before I kinda hid behind the pillow I was hugging. Then, boom! Everything drew to a close. I swear, from that moment, he said no more than 3 sentences before saying that he was going to sleep. That part drew to a close. I didn't expect that there would be someone else.
I feel like I'm writing a novel where the drama never ends, but this was all true and it was literally just one followed by another. So for a long while, I just sat on the couch hugging on the pillow. I just sat there and zoned out thinking about the things that happened, the things that I should have done. About around 10am, guy C came out of his room and into the common area I was sitting on. I acted like nothing happened and in part I felt completely normal. I wasn't as shaken as I think I should have been. I mean typing this makes me more scared than I had been then. We got talking about some stuff, and he added me on Facebook. He then found out that I dance so we got talking about that. He tells me he does line dancing. So I was like oh cool, I've never done line dancing before. You know, normal conversing and shits. So he offers to teach me how. No harm, I thought. Big mistake. It means touch my dick and feel me up. To me dancing is seen to be something innocent, fun, pure. Apparently it means a total different thing to him. He treats this as a club. He nearly shoved my hand down his pants but I kept pulling away.
When I did escape him, I finally decided I have had enough and I just left the house. I had no plans. So instead I ended up in a cafe for 4 hours just watching criminal minds. I would usually do that in the comforts of a house but obviously the cafe was way safer than the hostel right now. Plus, the food was rather good too. I returned back to the hostel at about 8pm that night and didn't to much before heading right to bed. I was having really strange sleeping habits due to everything that was happening so I just went to sleep early. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I woke up to B saying something but all I could make out was him saying my name and everything else was a haze since I was sleeping. At 4.30am, he sent me a text asking if I was upset with him. I don't know how much he remembers of the previous night but idk... It just annoys me so much that this only affects me while he just goes on with his life like nothing happened. I did not reply and just went back to sleep.
The next day was my last day but my flight was only at 7pm which meant I left the hostel only at say 3pm. I did go out to the bank earlier in the day but when I came back, I encountered guy B again. I did my best to ignore him and I guess I tend to do this a lot when I get upset with anyone. Idk where that mindset came from but probably because I feel like not speaking to them is less hurtful than confronting it. And I'm used to ignoring people. I'm damned good at it too. I do it all the time regardless of whether I am upset with people or not. Sometimes I just need some time alone and you'll realize that I go into a world of my own. And so I did that, I ignored him. But eventually he came to me again and asked if I was upset with him (again). I mean I could have a dozen other answers better than the one I gave, really, and I ran this through my head so many times after it actually happen. I answered with an 'I don't know?" and sarcastic smile. I honestly could have straight up told him yes, or ask him if he is asking because he doesn't know, or something, but I gave an idiotic answer like 'I don't know' and it still gets to me because literally anything else would have made a better answer. Obviously, he caught the hint that I was upset with him so he just gave a very vague apology like "I'm sorry if I did anything to make you upset, and I just want you to know that that wasn't my intention..." blah blah blah. I gave a short 'ok' and went back to ignoring him again.
It was only at lunch time when I was talking to the owner and the Romanian lady in the common area when he came and join us together with another extremely hyperactive guy. In the middle of talking, that hyperactive guy asked B what he was doing with a box of Sour Patch Watermelon (gummies) and he gave this story about how whenever he treats girls badly, he would buy that for them because he is sour on the surface but really mean well (something along that lines). He promptly slid it to me and said it was for me. The other guy caught on and went Ohhhh kinda thing. But let me tell you this. That stupid candy cost what. 99 cents? If you're lucky you can even get it at 50 cents to be honest. I don't mean that if he gave me anything more expensive I would have been okay with it. No, but just the sincerity in that box of candies is really lacking. And especially when he doesn't even know what he is apologizing for. So I did what was sensible and left the box of candies there without touching it. He then came to me after he saw that and said "You're not even going to take the Sour Patch? That's a pretty darn good apology, you've got to admit." And I just looked at him and asked "Do you even know what you're apologizing for?"
Of course, he said no, but he went on to apologize saying that even though he doesn't know exactly what it was, that he never meant to upset me and how he can be a jerk sometimes blah blah blah blah. I think I pretty much just said, "That's part of it" and somewhere along the lines of "Damn right you're a jerk." Again, this is one conversation I regret because I should have outright told him that joking about raping someone wasn't funny, and would never be. I should have outright told him that when a woman says no, it means no. I should have told him that I was asexual. I should have said something. But again, I did not.
There really isn't much more of a story from thereforth. I can only say I was glad to be leaving Chicago. In a way, I guess it taught me a lot as well. Yes, I admit that I can be plenty naive, and I can trust too easily, I always thought those were good things but sometimes having the knowledge about these things can really save a life. This has been a chapter in my life, but I have to say it isn't a very good one. I cannot honestly say that I don't think that guys to talk to me here want nothing out of the conversation. I, a strong believer of platonic relationships between males and females; I, who prefers to befriend guys over girls; I feel like I suddenly hit a rock. And I don't what to do about it. I enjoy and value all my friendships with guys, but suddenly I start doubting if there were any meanings behind each of them. The world just seemed so simple before any of these happened. A developed country, a nation that claims that they are the best, but really, of all the dozens of nations I have ever visited, it was the first country that I said I would never want to return ever again. It was the first country that I really hated. It's the first country that I know I never want to live in ever. And now, it is the first country I actually consider to be the worst out of all the places I have toured and visited. I'm not even kidding. There is a serious issue in this country behind all its fake glory.
It was only at lunch time when I was talking to the owner and the Romanian lady in the common area when he came and join us together with another extremely hyperactive guy. In the middle of talking, that hyperactive guy asked B what he was doing with a box of Sour Patch Watermelon (gummies) and he gave this story about how whenever he treats girls badly, he would buy that for them because he is sour on the surface but really mean well (something along that lines). He promptly slid it to me and said it was for me. The other guy caught on and went Ohhhh kinda thing. But let me tell you this. That stupid candy cost what. 99 cents? If you're lucky you can even get it at 50 cents to be honest. I don't mean that if he gave me anything more expensive I would have been okay with it. No, but just the sincerity in that box of candies is really lacking. And especially when he doesn't even know what he is apologizing for. So I did what was sensible and left the box of candies there without touching it. He then came to me after he saw that and said "You're not even going to take the Sour Patch? That's a pretty darn good apology, you've got to admit." And I just looked at him and asked "Do you even know what you're apologizing for?"
Of course, he said no, but he went on to apologize saying that even though he doesn't know exactly what it was, that he never meant to upset me and how he can be a jerk sometimes blah blah blah blah. I think I pretty much just said, "That's part of it" and somewhere along the lines of "Damn right you're a jerk." Again, this is one conversation I regret because I should have outright told him that joking about raping someone wasn't funny, and would never be. I should have outright told him that when a woman says no, it means no. I should have told him that I was asexual. I should have said something. But again, I did not.
There really isn't much more of a story from thereforth. I can only say I was glad to be leaving Chicago. In a way, I guess it taught me a lot as well. Yes, I admit that I can be plenty naive, and I can trust too easily, I always thought those were good things but sometimes having the knowledge about these things can really save a life. This has been a chapter in my life, but I have to say it isn't a very good one. I cannot honestly say that I don't think that guys to talk to me here want nothing out of the conversation. I, a strong believer of platonic relationships between males and females; I, who prefers to befriend guys over girls; I feel like I suddenly hit a rock. And I don't what to do about it. I enjoy and value all my friendships with guys, but suddenly I start doubting if there were any meanings behind each of them. The world just seemed so simple before any of these happened. A developed country, a nation that claims that they are the best, but really, of all the dozens of nations I have ever visited, it was the first country that I said I would never want to return ever again. It was the first country that I really hated. It's the first country that I know I never want to live in ever. And now, it is the first country I actually consider to be the worst out of all the places I have toured and visited. I'm not even kidding. There is a serious issue in this country behind all its fake glory.
Labels: chicago, rant, tw: rape, USA, winter break
Obviously in construction at the moment... or maybe forever because I'm lazy like this ;)
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